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I’d like to think we’re all familiar with the concept of a “hangover movie.” On the mornings that we’re feeling like absolute ass after a night of heavy drinking, only laying sideways on the couch brings us any semblance of relief. And when we’re there we know that there are certain types of films that bring us a sense of comfort. We might not realize it right away but there are certain criteria for hangover movies that we’ve all come to accept as a society.
Ideally it’s a movie that we’ve seen a bunch times so that we don’t have to exert a lot of mental energy into understanding what’s going on. Plenty of action sequences won’t hurt so if you fall asleep during the talky-talk parts you can be woken up by the pew-pew parts and the ‘splosiony things. Also it should be long as hell so it carries you through the worst of the pain. I can tell you’re already thinking of your favorite hangover movies as you read this.
Back To The Future? The Matrix? The Lord of the Fucking Rings?
The franchises are the best because you can just let them ride for hours and hours. And these days you want to be able to stream an entire series because getting up and grabbing a DVD case from your shelf then walking over to put the disc into your DVD player is going to take way too much effort and also hurt like fuck.
My ideal hangover movie situation is being on vacation at a hotel and turning on the TV to find a LotR marathon on TNT or whatever because they will play all those bitches with commercials which means you’re getting practically an entire day’s worth of a comforting movie blanket while you try super hard not to throw up.
And even hangover movies aren’t exempt when it comes to The Classy Alcoholic’s famous pairing skills. Which is why I bring you a list of the best hangover movies that are expertly paired with the previous night’s drunken festivities. So let’s fucking gooooooo!
The Event: Titty Bar Bachelor Party
It’s embarrassing that you were dumb enough to go to a strip club and pay at least $40 for a boner when you could’ve just got one at home for free. But your idiot co-worker Frank wanted to celebrate his bachelor party because he is about to marry a beautiful lady named Marie. And you felt obliged to go because Frank made a couple of complaints to HR about you showing up drunk to his cubicle at 9am and calling him a “lazy spreadsheet ass BITCH” out loud. Which, like, to be fair, Frank is really fucking bad at getting his spreadsheets completed and submitted on time. But at the end of the day he dropped his complaints after you started being nice to him and you wanted to keep that streak going. So you bought many a $20 shot of garbage whiskey at the titty bar, not just for yourself but for Frank and the rest of your stupid co-workers because you wanted to make sure you didn’t have to look for a new job in this economy.
Before you knew it those $12 Coors Light cans added up and the last thing you remember was crying into a stripper’s lap in the Champagne Room over your ex-girlfriend and her telling you that you’re out of cash and you’re not allowed to use the ATM anymore because someone saw you try to hump it a bunch so please get the fuck out.
The Movie: Casino Royale
This is going to be a difficult discussion for a lot of reasons. The first is that old James Bond movies all suck butts. The only good one is Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig Without A Shirt On. Please be aware that this is NOT a good hangover movie for your first time viewing. I say that from personal experience. It’s a complicated, twisty spy thriller that’ll make your head hurt if you try to figure out what’s going on. When I rewatched it sober it was like an entirely different movie. And it has just the right amount of loud pew-pew, punchy stuff so that you can pass out during the boring poker shit.
Another difficult discussion is how I don’t know if titty bars are good or bad. As dudes we’re clearly garbage for objectifying women the way we do but also women are making money off of our dumbasses for just being horny. Is that feminism? If you’re here looking for the right answer from a dumb alcoholic I can tell you that you’re in the wrong place because I DON’T KNOW.
But what I do know is that there’s a scene in Casino Royale in which Daniel Craig walks out on the beach in tiny swim trunks with his bangin bod and that no matter how secure in our heterosexuality we are, every one of us dudes will get a confused hangover boner when we see this. Don’t even deny it, bitches. DO NOT.
So at the very least this hangover brings you the comfort of a fun action movie while also bringing you the shame of having drunkenly objectified women just trying to make a living the entire night before while trying to grapple with the reality that you’d love Daniel Craig’s rock hard, greasy-ass abs rubbing up against you just as much. And maybe by the end of this hangover you will have fucking learned something!
The Event: Family Gathering
Those of us who are Mexican know all too well that mom will ask you the same damn thing every time you see each other: “Tienes novia, mijo?” Which translates to, “Do you have a girlfriend, mijo?” And you say “No,” which translates to “No,” but she won’t let it go so she asks “Porque no?” which translates to, “Why not, is it because you’re gay?” You tell her that things just haven’t worked out for you but also say that she shouldn’t fucking judge people no matter what their lifestyle is and she just stays quiet, thinking that her son probably turned out gay.
The family has only shit beer, which you drink because there’s nothing else around. But then your sister shows up. She’s got a fat bottle of tequila in one hand and a six pack of genuinely good craft beer in the other because she knows you’re visiting and knows what you like to drink. You instantly feel bad about the time you were kids and you kicked her in the back of the head into the pool and told your parents that she tripped and her dumbass couldn’t argue because she was a toddler and couldn’t say words yet.
The Movie: Home Alone
When you were a little kid the scariest thing in the world was the thought of being left alone in a grocery store. But somehow this movie made being left behind by your parents because they were going on vacation across the country or because they got hammered drunk at a dive bar and your dad drove his car through the side of that dive bar and got put into the drunk tank for the night seem fucking DOPE.
I mean, sure, that little blonde white kid could get away with accidentally stealing a toothbrush from the grocery store while your brown ass would’ve gotten immediately shot by the cop who was too lazy to chase you even if you were 9 years old or whatever. But this movie, like most hangover movies, holds an emotional place in your heart even though you know in your head that it’s bad. It’s like how grown-ass men and women will tell you that The Goonies is a good movie even though that thing is absolute unwatchable dogshit. Also, it’s just a fucking toothbrush, let that little bitch go. Fuck da police.
But the first part of Home Alone when Blonde White Kid is over his insufferable family and gets left by himself will keep you engaged enough and you can then take a hearty nap until the parts where the baby tries to violently murder Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.
I haven’t seen the movie in a long while. Were Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci trying to have sex with that kid?
The Event: DA CLUB
You say fuck it and go out to da club after a bad breakup. You try to meet and hook up with hot ladies but you realize right away that they can’t hear you talk to them and don’t give a shit what you have to say anyway plus you can’t dance. This fucking sucks, dude.
The Movie: The Goonies
Sometimes the movie to watch after a night that fucking sucks is one that also fucking sucks. Goddamn this movie is annoying despite the presence of Josh Brolin. But maybe if you wake up hungover after a night at da club that sucked and you put on this movie that also sucks and suffer through it it’ll remind you that you’re too goddamn old to be going in to da club to try and meet ladies. Bad breakup be damned, stick to what you know!
The Event: Your Best Friend’s Wedding
Your co-worker Frank is such a fucking dumbass that he never even realized that his fiancée Marie was an ex-girlfriend of yours. She broke up with you for him after the two of you spent a year together and you were so fucked up over it that you decided to get hammered and go da club to try and meet new girls as a way to get over her and you failed fucking miserably. You drunk texted her and told here that you still loved her and that Frank was such a little bitch that he couldn’t even get the simplest of spreadsheets turned in on time.
But she didn’t care. She decided to marry him and you decided to get drunk and crash the wedding. You knew you could take Frank. For years you’ve been thinking about how well you could fuck him up if the two of you ever fought. But you completely forgot that Marie had an older brother named Teddy who’s a body builder and who knocked you out in one punch to the face and dragged you out to the street because he would not abide you ruining the best day of his sister’s life. You wake up in a ditch and get your hungover ass home.
The Movie: Con Air
Did you think I was going to suggest that 90’s Julia Roberts movie called My Best Friend’s Wedding in which she tried to break up her friend’s wedding because she was in love with him and he was marrying someone else?
Nah, fuck that. While that is a prime hangover movie you’re going to need something a little more intense after a night like that. Nicolas Cage is the 90’s Hangover Movie King. That motherfucker was in both The Rock and Face/Off. Either of which would serve as the ultimate hangover movies but you must not forget that after a couple of hours of some of the most killer action scenes ever put to film the movie Con Air ends with that Trisha Yearwood “How Do I Live” song that will make any grown ass man cry while sober. And during a miserable hangover with a side of heartbreak you’re going to need a hell of a good cry.
Just like you need to sweat out the booze you also need to sweat out the sad, motherfucker. And there’s nothing like that scene with Nic Cage and Monica Potter making out with the song playing in the background to make you realize that you need to forget Marie and pick your ass back up.
But not today. Order a pizza and stay on the couch. Pick yourself up tomorrow.