Classy’s Drunken Film Reviews – The Curse of La Llorona

The Curse Of La Llorona Is In Theaters Now But Don’t Go See It

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La Llorona translates to “The Crying Woman” and the name refers to a person in an old folk tale who’s most commonly associated with Mexican history. Though the name is also ingrained in legends from some Central American countries I won’t be giving you any legit history lessons in this blog because we’re just talking about a dumbass horror movie called The Curse of La Llorona. It’s directed by a guy with the last name Chaves but nothing I saw online indicates he’s of brown descent so he was probably hired because that last name sounded “close enough.” Yes, the movie is produced by James Wan who was born in Malaysia, is of Chinese descent, and was raised in Australia which makes me pretty happy because his mere existence probably pissed off a lot of racist Aussie classmates.

But even that’s not enough for him to be producing this movie, as far as I’m concerned. Because the lead actress is Linda Cardellini who, despite being very talented, was hired due to the fact that Italians aren’t exactly fully white people so they figured she’d be “tan enough.”

…..Okay, fine, I’ll admit that I only saw this damn movie because every theater showing Avengers: Endgame was sold the fuck out and I needed another quiet, dark, mostly empty place to get drunk in after I got kicked out of that Catholic church confession booth I was caught sleeping in last Saturday. So I bought a 22oz pour of San Tan Brewing Hop Shock IPA and then came back ten minutes later disguised as Doctor Octopus so I could order seven more 22oz cups of Hop Shock IPA. Nobody batted an eye and I figured it was ‘cause Doc Ock shows up in the Avengers movie but don’t spoil it for me if he doesn’t.

And I figured that since Linda Cardellini played Hawkeye’s wife in Avengers: Age of Ultron this would be the closest I could get to actually experiencing that new Marvel movie. Also Linda Cardellini played Velma in the 2002 live action Scooby Doo movie and I remember being 16 years old at that time and being the perfect target audience of horny losers who watched cartoon Velma as a little kid then lost their shit when they saw her in a low-cut orange blouse in real life. Bee-Tee-Dubs, did you know James Gunn wrote the screenplay for that 2002 Scooby Doo movie with the major boobage-rockin’ Velma? Maybe he is a pervert…

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Anyhoozle, this fucking La Llorona movie. So there’s a cold open set in 1673 Mexico. Don’t ask me to tell you what the hell was going on back then, I lost all my extensive Mexican history knowledge after years of extensive alcohol abuse. But there’s a woman in a white wedding dress with a veil across her face dancing in a circle with a man and, like, three kids in between them. Which, okay, already we’re off to a bad start because this chick wouldn’t have been able to just get married (in a white dress, no less!) if she had three kids all the way back then. She would’ve probably been stoned as a husbandless whore and also she seemed to be an adult which, in 1673 would’ve made her way past marrying age. Anyone over the age of 11 would’ve been considered past their baby making prime and this motherfucker lived long enough to give birth to THREE??? Fuck off.

So a little boy in the scene gives his mom a necklace that she puts around her neck and that he couldn’t have possibly afforded. It’s fucking 1673. Is that little boy who looked no older than 10 involved in the slave trade or some shit? ‘Cause how else could he buy that for his mom? But he did and he closes his eyes while everyone around him dances in circles. But then he opens his eyes and everyone has disappeared. So he runs into the woods and sees his mom drowning the other kids who are probably his sisters and then she runs after him and the movie motherfucking starts!

Then we cut to Los Angeles in 1973 and Linda Cardellini is rushing to get her two BROWN kids ready for school but then they miss the bus because Mexicans are always late for shit and that’s the best way to make Linda Cardellini sympathetic to me. She drops the kids off at school then arrives late to her job as a social worker where she is told by a truancy officer that some Mexican lady hasn’t taken her kids to school in a couple of weeks but instead of sending Linda Cardellini to investigate he wants to send her work rival who is in the movie for a total of twenty seconds and is only there because she’s younger than Cardellini and this highlights the fact that Cardellini is getting older but this comes to fucking absolutely nothing in the greater scheme of things.

So…this is a very difficult part of the movie to analyze for me because Linda Cardellini is 43 years old and of course she’s unbelievably attractive plus I personally think women aren’t even hot until they turn at least 38. But I also understand that in the 70’s she would’ve pretty much been considered a past-her-prime grandma because baby boomers are the stupidest fucking people in the world.

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But she talks her way into going to the home of this Mexican lady named Patricia with a police escort. She knocks on the door and asks the Mexican lady to let her in. The young police officer actually, literally says, “Out of respect for your husband…Officer GARCIA…would he let you in there alone?” to make sure we know her husband is dead and fucking BROWN, which, thanks, movie. But Cardellini is still of Italian, Irish, German and Scottish descent so she would be the whitest lady on the goddamn planet if not for the fact that her Italian swarthiness is the only thing that prevents her from getting melanoma. 

Cardellini goes into the house and realizes that the Mexican mom, who is fluent in English with only the slightest of accents and who occasionally yells full Spanish phrases in the name of faux authenticity, has locked her own kids in the closet. Cardellini tries to let them out but she can’t get through because she’s Italian so she’s using uncooked spaghetti noodles to try and pick the lock and those shits keep breaking the whole time. But the Patricia Mexican lady attacks Cardellini and Cardellini throws a handful of spicy marinara in Mexican lady’s face then steals the key that’s hanging around Mexican lady’s neck and lets those kids out.

But then, in the stupidest part of the movie, Cardellini goes home while her kids are watching a fucking SCOOBY-DOO CARTOON because hey, remember when Cardellini was in that movie?!?!?!? But while she’s there the two Mexican kids from that closet are in a hospital and they get stalked by a mysterious lady in a white wedding dress who jump-scares them to death. And in the middle of the night Cardellini gets a phone call informing her of what happened. So she puts her kids in the admittedly dope-looking 70’s station wagon and drives out to the place where they filmed Thunder Road from Grease to check out the bodies of the two dead Mexican kids.

Alright…so I’ve known a lot of social workers in my day because so many of them thought I needed an intervention and so many others of them thought I was the father of a bunch of abandoned brown babies with amazing hair. But I can’t possibly understand why someone would call a fucking CPS social worker to a goddamn MURDER SCENE in the middle of the night. Especially since Cardellini was called by someone who knew her and knew she had to put her two vaguely ethnic kids in the back of her mystery machine van at motherfucking 2AM or something. Patricia Mexican mom is there too and she yells at Cardellini and says that her kids died because of La Llorona.

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Meanwhile in the 70s Station Wagon Mystery Machine, Cardellini’s boy sees a crying woman in an alley. And of course she freaks him out with her fucked up, CGI’d monster face. The boy who probably has a Latino name that I have no interest in looking up gets back in the car and then those window crank things start turning on their own from the outside and he’s desperately trying to keep all the windows up in order to keep La Llorona out. And that’s when I realized how this movie came to be. For those of you kids who are reading this blog and who have lived a life with automatic windows in your parents’ vehicles you should know that back in the day we didn’t push buttons to roll down the car windows. We used to have to manually spin those bitches up and down with our whole hands and triceps. And when I saw those things spinning from the outside (WHICH WAS NEVER POSSIBLE) I imagined some Hollywood producer asshole pitched this scene in order to terrify anyone who grew up riding in a station wagon with wood panels on the side and that’s why we’re now watching this shit movie.

Anyway, La Llorona grabs the boy’s wrist and leaves some burn marks with her touch. And a lot of the rest of this movie is bullshit designed to kill time. Cardellini goes to the funeral for the sons of Patricia the Mexican Lady and meets a priest played by some guy named Tony Amendola who is a cheap, shitty version of F. Murray Abraham but this guy also doesn’t seem to have any Latino heritage that I could find online and he fakes being Latino because his last name was probably also “close enough.”

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He tells Cardellini that La Llorona was a Mexican woman in the 1600s who married a Mexican cowboy but found out he was cheating on her and decided to take away what he valued most and drowned their children. But there’s no evidence that the real life women the “La Llorona” tale was based on actually killed their own children so this is likely some sexist, racist bullshit that has endured over time because everyone wants to believe that Mexican ladies be crazy PSYCHO bitches, right bro? And now we have that myth perpetuated in a movie starring mostly white people playing brown. Cool, I guess?

Cardellini also sees Raymond Cruz, AKA Tuco from Breaking Bad from afar engaging in some witchcraft type shit and Fake Murray Abraham tells Cardellini that Tuco is a “curandero” which is the term for a Latin American witch doctor. This probably won’t be important later.

Cardellini’s brown daughter sees La Llorona in the pool and she’s pretty traumatized. Cardellini, completely oblivious to that shit, is then having dinner with Sean Patrick Thomas, a police detective who was last seen banging Julia Styles in Save the Last Dance in 2001. Some ultra religious people said their interracial relationship was the cause of 9/11. Not me though. I know Bush did that shit.

They’re sharing a bottle of wine and Sean Patrick Thomas, instead of trying to bang a newly single, stupidly attractive Linda Cardellini, prefers to ask her to interview that Mexican Patricia Lady who is currently in jail. In a way I appreciate the fact that Sean Patrick Thomas was a friend of Cardellini’s husband and that, out of respect for him, he isn’t solely motivated by horniness but I can’t help but think that he’s keeping his distance because a 43 year old Cardellini in the 70’s would’ve been considered past due for hospice care.

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So for some reason a police detective asks a fucking social worker to interview his jailed suspect. And Patricia Mexican Lady is pissed at Cardellini. Patricia blames Cardellini for her kids’ death because Cardellini is the one who took them out of that closet. And Patricia says she prayed…not to god…but to La Llorona so that she would take Cardellini’s kids. Because Mexican chicks be crazy and vengeful, right bro?

Then Cardellini’s daughter gets almost drowned in the bathtub by La Llorona and gets her arm burned by La Llorona’s touch too. Cardellini saves her but the kids’ school sees the marks on their arm and they send a social worker which, holy shit, turns out to be the younger woman from earlier in the movie who almost took Cardellini’s place at the home visit and also Sean Patrick Thomas but neither of them believe Cardellini did anything wrong so this whole goddamn scene adds up to FUCKING NOTHING. We’re really trying to run out the clock here, aren’t we? 

After a few Llorona sightings at night the whole family goes to see Father Murray Abraham the next morning and this motherfucker seriously takes a second to mention how he believes in supernatural shit after his previous experience with a haunted porcelain doll and we have to watch a two second flashback to that fucker walking around with the GODDAMN FUCKING ANNABELLE DOLL because this is part of the The Conjuring Cinematic Universe and I realized why Cardellini’s house looked familiar and it was because I’m pretty sure it’s the house that appeared in the movie The Conjuring and also maybe the Insidious franchise? Alright assholes, if you wanna give nods to your previous movies you can go right the fuck ahead but I don’t need a full on gratuitous shot of your stupid goddamn doll because I haven’t seen any of those movies…

Oh fuck. Wait. Is The Curse of La Llorona the horror version of Avengers: Endgame? A cinematic universe…interconnected franchises…insufferable references to other movies that we may not have seen? HOLY SHIT!

So Cardellini recruits Tuco to help her rid La Llorona from the house. Tuco uses eggs to try to cleanse the house of evil spirits because that’s some kind of dumb traditional Mexican thing. I say this as a Mexican who got eggs rubbed on his face as a kid so many fucking times, I can’t even begin to count. Sorry grandma, it doesn’t matter how many eggs you rub on my face, it’s not gonna cure a single one of my STDs.

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Tuco lights candles and spreads some kind of salt or sand across the doorway to keep La Llorona out of Cardellini’s house. It works until her dumb little daughter tries to reach across the salt protecting the doorway to get her little doll that she cuddles with at night. And, sorry, but this little shitty baby is, like, 7 years old or 10 or 17, I don’t know how kid ages work. And while I understand security blankets better than anyone (I can’t sleep without cuddling a six pack of beer in case I wake up the middle of the night and need something to comfort me) this little turd is old enough to understand that breaking the barrier will allow a ghost murderer into the house and that that’s BAD.

And of course La Llorona kidnaps this dumb little girl and dumps her into the backyard pool to try to drown her. Cardellini jumps into the pool because despite the fact that she’s wearing tight, 70’s bell bottom jeans and a tight, long-sleeve sweater she could still stand to be soaking wet for all the grown up Scooby Doo pervs in the audience. Cardellini saves her kid and somehow also ends up with La Llorona’s necklace that has a little stone in the middle of it.

HOLY SHIT. Is that an Infinity Stone???

So this movie should’ve been over forever ago but while the entire Cardellini Italian Tan Clan is in the house stirring the gravy the fucking Patricia Mexican Lady sneaks in and has a gun. A GUN. She got released from jail because there wasn’t enough evidence to hold her for the murder of her children and she walks into this house with a gun and shoots Tuco in the shoulder. And she locks Cardellini in the basement while La Llorona gets back into the house and chases the two vaguely ethnic kids. And Cardellini is yelling for someone to let her out and pounding on the door. The kids run into the attic and La Llorona chases. After two minutes Patricia the Mexican Lady just straight up changes her mind and lets Cardellini out of that basement. Because the best way to get Mexican chicks to do what you want is to yell at them and constantly pound on the other side of the door, right dad?

Ughhhhh. So the boy pulls out the necklace with the Infinity Stone and gives it to La Llorona in the attic. There’s a mirror behind them that’s covered by a blanket and that shit falls off so La Llorona sees herself and freaks the fuck out and it seems to hurt her because somehow that was her weakness the whole time? I FUCKING GUESS????

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Tuco and Cardellini go up to the attic and he slides Cardellini a crucifix across the floor and Cardellini straight up stabs La Llorona in the chest with the cross like Thor stabbing Thanos in the chest with his axe because this movie is still a fucking Marvel movie ripoff. And La Llorona explodes. And turns to ash. Because this is a fucking Marvel movie ripoff.

And it’s over. Tuco calls a cab. Cardellini asks how she could every repay him and he straight up checks out her boobs. But then her two kids give Tuco a big ol’ hug and he makes that face where you’re about to get a boner but you need to focus really hard so it doesn’t go full chub because there are children around you. So he leaves, successfully flaccid, while Cardellini and her family go back into the house. But not before Thanos shows up and tells La Llorona that he’ll kill half the universe in order to impress her. 

Damn. Why would I even wanna see Endgame when I can just watch The Curse of La Llorona?

Man, this movie is fucking stupid.

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New Cocktail Menu at Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery – Tucson

Located at 266 Congress St, Tucson, AZ 85701
Open daily 11a-midnight
https://hubdowntown.com/

Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery is located in downtown Tucson. It’s a nice, fairly upscale joint that probably replaced some stabby dive bar where you could easily get shitty coke in the bathroom from a guy with a neck tattoo and a denim vest because that’s pretty much all downtown Tucson used to be back in the day. But nowadays the whole area has been classed up and is practically unrecognizable to anyone who may have been the victim of knife crime there a mere ten years ago.

Within the last week or so Hub completely revamped their cocktail menu with nine drinks that each put a fun spin on classic styles. They’re complex but fairly quick to make so you won’t be waiting fifteen minutes for each thing and they’re familiar enough to be accessible but different enough to make you seem extra cool and knowledgeable when ordering. I was invited to an exclusive preview tasting alongside a bunch of suckers who write for legitimate publications with strictly enforced word limits. But this is the internet, baby. And The Classy Alcoholic isn’t limited by shit other than his liver function which somehow hasn’t given up yet! So let’s run through the new Hub cocktail menu and then drunkenly walk home slurping a pint of artisanal ice cream that is dripping down your chin and shirt ‘cause it’s rapidly melting in the desert heat.

THE WORKHORSE

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Do you know what an Old Fashioned is? Well you should because it’s a very simple cocktail that tastes great and became very popular with a bunch of poser assholes after they watched Mad Men and thought it would be fun to give suits, classic cocktails and alcoholism a try even though that’s been MY whole thing for well over a decade. It’s also the inspiration for this first drink. An Old Fashioned can be made with bourbon if you’re a normal person or with brandy if you’re a serial killer pretending you’re able to feel. The Workhorse is made with vanilla bean-infused rye whiskey and salted cacao bitters which makes it much sweeter than a regular degular Old Fashioned. The vanilla cuts down a lot on the strong, boozy burn from the whiskey if that’s usually too much for you.

 

EAST ENDER

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Do you know what a Negroni is? Well I don’t because it’s made with gin and I once drank so much of it one night in my early 20’s that I ended up puking and now every sip of gin tastes like the shame of my adulthood failures mixed with every sad childhood Christmas my dad didn’t show up to. But the East Ender is actually great because it tastes like a Negroni without the gin. It’s actually made with white whiskey, which is unaged so it has the strong, bitter corn flavor as opposed to the sweeter, smoother tinge of an aged whiskey. That taste will be familiar to any of us who spent our college years broke and drinking white-ass white tequila or clear but somehow still cloudy plastic bottle vodka. This drink offsets some of that with a bitter pomegranate liqueur but this is still a punch in the face. It’s a very strong cocktail that is meant to be sipped and not slammed.

 

PIECES OF EIGHT

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If the last two drinks are too strong and you need something that resembles diabetes in a glass then you’re in luck because Hub has a tiki-inspired drink made with black barrel rum, ruby port, cinnamon syrup and Swedish punsch, which is actually a liqueur that I spelled correctly and it’s not just me drunkenly slurring the word “punch.” This is sneakily strong so you definitely won’t need more than a couple. It tastes like spiked fruit juice which reminded me so much of prom because that’s what I was drinking all night when I crashed the high school gymnasium and totally ruined a bunch of high school kids’ time last year. In my defense, I didn’t know there was a prom happening, I thought I was just sneaking into an empty gym to do drugs.

 

BASIL BUCK

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This one is very simple. It’s got basil-infused vodka which basically makes this a vegetable drink which means I drank a whole salad’s worth of booze. It’s also made with ginger syrup, lime and soda which means it’s Hub’s version of a Moscow mule. It has a strong lime flavor and it tastes leafy but in that nice refreshing way; not in the, I just woke up on the front lawn with a face full of grass and dirt and there are a bunch of empty beer cans all around me and also I’m not wearing pants kind of way.

 

SUNSPOT

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Oh boy, was I scared of this one. I was dreading it once I saw it was made with gin, my old nemesis. Gin is the my ex-girlfriend of booze ‘cause I know I should stay away but whenever I see it on the menu I think this time things will be different but I keep being wrong because I get burned every time and also gin tells me it loves me but it always ends up banging my Cousin Chico. But believe it or not, this time it actually was different! With the drink, not with the ex. This was a surprisingly sweet cocktail made with an apricot liqueur that mixed very well with the gin. The sweetness really blended well with the juniper bite and gave it an almost entirely new flavor that didn’t remind me of my heavy gin guzzling days. The Sunspot actually helped me overcome my fear of gin cocktails which I didn’t think would ever happen.

 

SANDIA FRIA

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This is Spanish for “cold watermelon” and it’s basically a fancy ass margarita. Yes, it’s made with tequila but it also has watermelon syrup and hibiscus salt on the rim. Just look at this damn thing. Probably the best, most accessible drink on the menu that achieves that balance between the base spirit and the sweet syrup better than anything else I tried this day. The salt not only adds a lot to the cocktail but it looks damn good for all you assholes who love throwing this kind of stuff up on the ‘gram.

 

STUCK IN MY CABANA

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I spent plenty of time stuck in a cabana on a remote island being interrogated by Pitbull’s security team after they found me stowing away on his yacht. I only wish I had this delicious, icy drink with me. It’s made with raspberry brandy, coconut syrup and tepache. That last word refers to a Mexican fermented pineapple drink that is usually sold by street vendors or at taco shops but is now bottled into a liqueur by a big company because white people just can’t stop colonizing.

 

RODEO QUEEN

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This was inspired by a champagne cocktail called the French 76. It’s made with vodka, sparkling wine and blueberry syrup. It’s light on the alcohol content, fruity, refreshing and you could easily have a few of these with brunch or during a hungover breakfast. Because, like the mimosa, this drink makes early morning alcohol consumption seem acceptable and fun. Also the lack of actual champagne will probably piss off a Frenchman, which I’m totally okay with.

 

SANTA CRUZ FLOAT

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And finally we’re at the dessertiest thing on the menu. This is pretty much a boozy root beer float made with clear Del Bac whiskey, milk stout syrup and salted caramel ice cream. If you think it would be super sweet then you’re right, it is. But it also has this amazing smoky flavor thanks to the whiskey. It’s served in a tall mug that’s meant to be shared just like the good ole days when your grandpa would take his best girl down to the diner, buy her a float and smoke cigarettes indoors legally while sharing his disdain for people who were a different race than him. Boy am I glad my racist grandpa’s dead. He was…just the worst. Anyhoozle, this Santa Cruz float is awesome. Share one with a friend. Preferably a friend of a different race!

Salud!

Brewery Talks Podcast

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For some reason people think it’s a good idea to put a microphone in front of my stupid fat drunk face so I can be a guest on their podcasts. Unfortunately for them, I’m an egomaniac who will spew drunken bullshit into any recording device nearby, Richard Nixon style, except not racist. So when a guy named Nash Carlson contacted me to tell me that he and his lady were exploring breweries across the country in their RV (white peoples’ lives is #goals) and that he needed an expert in the Tucson craft beer scene to go on his show I, of course, obliged.

So please check out my episode of the Brewery Talks Podcast on iTunes, Spotify and whatever Android people use for podcasts. Nash’s blog is called Sunnyside Up Traveling and you can check that out here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com 

The pod ep I’m on is here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com/brewerytalkspodcast/2019/2/2/the-inside-scoop-of-the-tucson-beer-scene

If you want you can also follow Sunnyside Up Traveling on Instagram and Facebook.

And finally, if you’re a first time visitor to my blog because you heard me on the podcast you can feel free to roam around the dumb beer stories I’ve written for the past 4 years. But I’ll also give you a few articles to start off with so you can see exactly what the hell I’m all about.

One of my most popular articles was called:
The Classy Alcoholic’s Guide To Pairing Arizona Beer With The Grossest, Loneliest Fast Food

The sequel to that article was:
The Naked Chicken Chalupa Paired With AZ Beers

If you’re visiting Tucson (which you should!) here is a guide to…
Cheap Bar Eats In Tucson

Thanks for stopping by. I’m currently working on some long-form writing projects which is why it’s been a bit quiet on this space. But there’s plenty more to come!

Salud!

Cheap Bar Eats in Tucson

I hate food. Food is a waste of perfectly good money that could be spent on more drinks. But somehow our stupid bodies need it so we don’t die, which is stupid. Luckily I’ve found a few dive bars in Tucson that serve really good meals for super cheap so you can soak up enough booze to stay alive and then drink more afterward. These are the best deals for your money that I’ve found so far.

Just a disclaimer, the pictures I took of my food all look terrible because they were taken in places where the lighting really sucks. Also there’s no guarantee that you won’t get stabbed at one of these joints and I’m not responsible for any deaths that might occur from your drunk ass walking in there. Okay, cool, let’s do this!

Wooden Nickel Tavern

Located at 1908 S Country Club Rd, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open 7 days a week, 11a-2a
http://woodennickeltucson.com

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The Wooden Nickel’s menu has a ton of good burgers, subs and sandwiches as well as typical bar appetizers like nachos, onion rings and potato skins. But their best food deal happens on Wing Wednesday. They used to sell wings for only 50 cents apiece but due to inflation or whatever they’ve had to raise the price to 75 each. Don’t hold it against them, though. The wings are really meaty and there are several flavors that you can mix and match in your order. Normally when you go to a place with cheap wing specials they only give you the tiniest pieces of the shitty baby chickens that were too stupid to keep from slipping into their bigass water pail and weren’t strong enough to crawl back out.

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Button Brewhouse’s 1st Anniversary Celebration

Saturday, September 15th from 12p-10p
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Tucson, AZ 85741
Hours: Mon-Thurs 3p-8p; Fri 2p-10p; Sat 12p-10p; Sun 11a-6p

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So first things first, I’ll disclose that I absolutely love Button Brewhouse. With all of my heart. And I’m very happy that they’re about to celebrate their first anniversary.

Looking back on the past twelve months it seems like they’re a success story that should’ve never happened. That statement has nothing to do with the quality of their beers or their customer service. They’ve proven themselves to be top notch in both those areas. But they’ve fought against so many obstacles that could’ve absolutely ruined their shit.

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Rain Crow IPA Collaboration

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to Borderlands Brewing Co. in Tucson to report on a new beer collaboration for a good cause. Borderlands opened up their facility to their neighbors from Crooked Tooth Brewing and to Wren House Brewing from Phoenix for a project that was intended to benefit Audubon Arizona.

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For those of you who don’t know, Audubon Arizona is dedicated to conservation and to connecting people with nature. They teamed up with these three breweries to co-brand a beer called Rain Crow IPA in order to bring awareness of the plight of…some fucking bird, I think.

Okay, sorry, I’ll be honest, I’m not an outdoorsy person at all and I know nothing about nature. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the cause and I’m all about conservation. My parents taught me not to ever waste anything. Whether it’s water in the desert we call home or the hundreds of little baggies of cocaine that my dad made me help him cut with baking soda, the point is that we have to do everything we can to make our resources last for as long as possible.

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The Classy Fiesta at Dillinger Brewing Co. – Tucson, AZ

Friday, July 13th, 2018
5pm – 9pm
3895 N Oracle Rd, Tucson, AZ 85705, located in a warehouse behind the pawnshop

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This Friday the 13th I’ll be teaming up with my friends at Dillinger Brewing Co. in Tucson to host an event called The Classy Fiesta. It’ll be a “brewery takeover,” during which I’ll be rocking a Latin music playlist the whole night. We’ll have Mexican food from Doxie Hot Dogs, a local food truck, on site. There will be raffles every hour so you can win Dillinger swag and beer. And we’ll have a piñata that was designed to look like me dropping at 7:05pm.

This event is partially intended to promote my blog and to beg for votes now that I’m officially a finalist in the annual Best of Tucson awards for the Best Blog category (vote for me here). But it’s is also intended to start a conversation that I feel is necessary regarding the lack of diversity in our Arizona craft beer scene.

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