1912 Brewing Co’s 4th Anniversary – Tucson, AZ

Saturday, July 6, 2019
12PM – 10PM
2045 N Forbes Blvd #105, Tucson, AZ 85745

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It’s 2019, which means two things: 1912 Brewing Co in Tucson is celebrating its fourth year in business and enough time has passed since the 90s that a bunch of annoying stuff from back then has come all the way around to being cool again. Just like I can drop a perfectly timed, “MY WIIIFE” and be considered the funniest guy in the clique you can feel free to roll out those old Austin Powers references, which is really tight.

Don’t think the 90s are back? Well Daddy Yankee’s current hit is a remake of Snow’s “Informer” song and I just spent the weekend getting kicked out of an Aladdin movie AND a Toy Story movie for being too drunk. So yeah, I think the 90s are back like motherfucking Backstreet was Back. And in that spirit 1912’s anniversary party this year will be Austin Powers-themed. You’re all encouraged to show up in costume dressed up in 60s/70s attire or as any of your favorite characters from the movies…you know the ones. The ones from the film. Okay, sorry, I’ve never seen the damn movie. But I did get to sample the five new beers (and two super-secret new products) that are being released on the 6th and I have an exclusive preview for y’all. Oh behave, baby! Is that a thing he says?

 

Zippylongstocking hef

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Only 90s kids will remember German-inspired wheat beers like this. Long before everything was a hazy IPA people used to drink beers with notes of banana and clove. Oh you thought this style was dead? As if! This delicious retro beer has a wild yeast blend that also gives it subtle notes of citrus and vanilla that complement the traditional hef flavors super well. I haven’t had a hef this good since I would talk to the hand! Because I used to get so goddamn high I would talk to my own hand for hours on end. The 90s were a dark time for me before I got clean, I’m not gonna lie.

GROOVY BABY!

 

Fookmi sour gose

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The name of this beautifully colored sour gose was inspired by one of the twins that appears in the movie “Goldmember.” It turned out so boldly purple mostly from being made with elderberries that got scrambled up like the pornography I tried to watch on TV as a kid. The flavor is enhanced by limes and the juice wheezed thereof. There’s a hint of blueberry and it even finishes off with some cinnamon that works very well with all the other flavors, to my pleasant surprise. This is 1912’s first beer using elderberry and it tastes so good it makes me wanna party like it’s 1999 because that was before I realized my parents’ divorce was my fault!

SHAGADELIC!

 

Fookyu sour gose

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The second half of the beers named after the film’s twins is another gose fruited with Asian pear juice and dry-hopped with ginger that was soaked in bourbon. Boy, did I know a lady in the 90s named Ginger who was always soaked in bourbon herself! It was Ginger Martinez, my elementary school math teacher and it was a very sad situation. She…had a real problem. Anyhoozle, the Fookyu gose doesn’t taste boozy at all so don’t get scared off if you’re not into that. The ginger is the more prominent flavor and the bourbon only leaves a slight oaky taste. This is a perfect beer for those who want a fruited gose that tastes great but isn’t super sweet as opposed to those of us who like our beers to taste like both sex and candy.

FIRE THE “LASER”!

 

Got My Mojito Working Again sour gose 

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I know what 1912 Brewing did last summer. At last year’s anniversary party they released an incredible mojito gose that absolutely stole the show. Bringing it back was a no-brainer but this year it was morphin’ time! Because now it’s made with slightly different versions of the ingredients. This batch was made with key limes instead of Mexican limes and an Italian mint that gives this a slightly grassier, earthier taste than whatever was used last year. It’s amazing how the same beer with only mild tweaks can surprise you with the subtle differences in its flavor. It reminds me of what my mom used to say after the divorce: “Life is like a box of chocolates. It’ll give you diabetes.”

PENIS PUMP!

 

Sorry, That Never Happens I Swear sour gose

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Alrighty then! The last of the new releases I’m allowed to tell you about is essentially a piña colada beer. It tastes of pineapple, orange, lemon and lime. It’s a beer I would drink while laying out on the beach in Puerto Peñasco. PSYCH! I’m not allowed back into Puerto Peñasco after I stole that one old man’s taco cart and also got caught trying to sell drugs to what ended up being a very realistic looking mannequin that I’m pretty sure was haunted. The Federales asked if I was innocent and I said I totally was. NOT!!! But yeah, this beer is really good. I sampled it before it had the added carrot juice that will eventually give it a strong orange color but won’t alter the flavor. Because sometimes presentation can be just as important as anything else. Whoever made that fucking narc-ass mannequin definitely knew that.

R.I.P. MINI-ME!

 

BONUS BEER – All Set In The West sour

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This beer is not a special anniversary release but I still wanted to highlight it here because it’s awesome and it’s available at 1912 right now. It’s a collab with Sam Adams. Yes, THAT Sam Adams. No, not THAT Sam Adams, that guy died in 1803. I’m talking about Sam Adams the brewery, not the founding father, duh. This beer was actually brewed in Boston using Sam Adams lager yeast and the same culture used for the Naughty Naranja sour, giving it hints of orange and grapefruit. Then, in a move that probably pissed off all those racist, northeastern, chowder-eating fucks to no end, the team added agave nectar and blended in cranberries and tamarindo. Can you imagine how offended those assholes must’ve been having to use something called “tamarindo”? How did they even pronounce it? This beer is great and gave me tons of good vibrations when I drank it but don’t give any to Marky Mark. It’ll make him so angry he might try to attack another Vietnamese man like he did when he was a teenager. Mark Wahlberg committed multiple hate crimes, let us never forget that.

Apart from the five new beers I listed above Allan wanted to make sure I let y’all know there would be two other special releases available at the party. They’re both a surprise and I’ve been sworn to secrecy so the only thing I can say is that I’ve sampled whatever these things are and that you’ll definitely wanna show up to try them.

1912 Brewing Co will be open for a few hours on Thursday, the 4th. It’ll be about 3p-5p so you can grab some beers before the fireworks and family time. But the official anniversary party will be Saturday the 6th. There will be a second bar in the back of the production area serving beer “mocktails” as well as a live band and Daniela’s Cooking food truck serving the amazing food they’re already well known for. There won’t be any flights served all day so you’ll have to commit to full pours but that won’t be an issue when the beers are this good.

Oh and if you don’t wanna be known as a total fart-knocker then be sure to tip your bartenders…or should I say, SHOW THEM THE MONEY!

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Classy’s Drunken Film Reviews – The Curse of La Llorona

The Curse Of La Llorona Is In Theaters Now But Don’t Go See It

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La Llorona translates to “The Crying Woman” and the name refers to a person in an old folk tale who’s most commonly associated with Mexican history. Though the name is also ingrained in legends from some Central American countries I won’t be giving you any legit history lessons in this blog because we’re just talking about a dumbass horror movie called The Curse of La Llorona. It’s directed by a guy with the last name Chaves but nothing I saw online indicates he’s of brown descent so he was probably hired because that last name sounded “close enough.” Yes, the movie is produced by James Wan who was born in Malaysia, is of Chinese descent, and was raised in Australia which makes me pretty happy because his mere existence probably pissed off a lot of racist Aussie classmates.

But even that’s not enough for him to be producing this movie, as far as I’m concerned. Because the lead actress is Linda Cardellini who, despite being very talented, was hired due to the fact that Italians aren’t exactly fully white people so they figured she’d be “tan enough.”

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New Cocktail Menu at Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery – Tucson

Located at 266 Congress St, Tucson, AZ 85701
Open daily 11a-midnight
https://hubdowntown.com/

Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery is located in downtown Tucson. It’s a nice, fairly upscale joint that probably replaced some stabby dive bar where you could easily get shitty coke in the bathroom from a guy with a neck tattoo and a denim vest because that’s pretty much all downtown Tucson used to be back in the day. But nowadays the whole area has been classed up and is practically unrecognizable to anyone who may have been the victim of knife crime there a mere ten years ago.

Within the last week or so Hub completely revamped their cocktail menu with nine drinks that each put a fun spin on classic styles. They’re complex but fairly quick to make so you won’t be waiting fifteen minutes for each thing and they’re familiar enough to be accessible but different enough to make you seem extra cool and knowledgeable when ordering. I was invited to an exclusive preview tasting alongside a bunch of suckers who write for legitimate publications with strictly enforced word limits. But this is the internet, baby. And The Classy Alcoholic isn’t limited by shit other than his liver function which somehow hasn’t given up yet! So let’s run through the new Hub cocktail menu and then drunkenly walk home slurping a pint of artisanal ice cream that is dripping down your chin and shirt ‘cause it’s rapidly melting in the desert heat.

THE WORKHORSE

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Do you know what an Old Fashioned is? Well you should because it’s a very simple cocktail that tastes great and became very popular with a bunch of poser assholes after they watched Mad Men and thought it would be fun to give suits, classic cocktails and alcoholism a try even though that’s been MY whole thing for well over a decade. It’s also the inspiration for this first drink. An Old Fashioned can be made with bourbon if you’re a normal person or with brandy if you’re a serial killer pretending you’re able to feel. The Workhorse is made with vanilla bean-infused rye whiskey and salted cacao bitters which makes it much sweeter than a regular degular Old Fashioned. The vanilla cuts down a lot on the strong, boozy burn from the whiskey if that’s usually too much for you.

 

EAST ENDER

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Do you know what a Negroni is? Well I don’t because it’s made with gin and I once drank so much of it one night in my early 20’s that I ended up puking and now every sip of gin tastes like the shame of my adulthood failures mixed with every sad childhood Christmas my dad didn’t show up to. But the East Ender is actually great because it tastes like a Negroni without the gin. It’s actually made with white whiskey, which is unaged so it has the strong, bitter corn flavor as opposed to the sweeter, smoother tinge of an aged whiskey. That taste will be familiar to any of us who spent our college years broke and drinking white-ass white tequila or clear but somehow still cloudy plastic bottle vodka. This drink offsets some of that with a bitter pomegranate liqueur but this is still a punch in the face. It’s a very strong cocktail that is meant to be sipped and not slammed.

 

PIECES OF EIGHT

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If the last two drinks are too strong and you need something that resembles diabetes in a glass then you’re in luck because Hub has a tiki-inspired drink made with black barrel rum, ruby port, cinnamon syrup and Swedish punsch, which is actually a liqueur that I spelled correctly and it’s not just me drunkenly slurring the word “punch.” This is sneakily strong so you definitely won’t need more than a couple. It tastes like spiked fruit juice which reminded me so much of prom because that’s what I was drinking all night when I crashed the high school gymnasium and totally ruined a bunch of high school kids’ time last year. In my defense, I didn’t know there was a prom happening, I thought I was just sneaking into an empty gym to do drugs.

 

BASIL BUCK

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This one is very simple. It’s got basil-infused vodka which basically makes this a vegetable drink which means I drank a whole salad’s worth of booze. It’s also made with ginger syrup, lime and soda which means it’s Hub’s version of a Moscow mule. It has a strong lime flavor and it tastes leafy but in that nice refreshing way; not in the, I just woke up on the front lawn with a face full of grass and dirt and there are a bunch of empty beer cans all around me and also I’m not wearing pants kind of way.

 

SUNSPOT

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Oh boy, was I scared of this one. I was dreading it once I saw it was made with gin, my old nemesis. Gin is the my ex-girlfriend of booze ‘cause I know I should stay away but whenever I see it on the menu I think this time things will be different but I keep being wrong because I get burned every time and also gin tells me it loves me but it always ends up banging my Cousin Chico. But believe it or not, this time it actually was different! With the drink, not with the ex. This was a surprisingly sweet cocktail made with an apricot liqueur that mixed very well with the gin. The sweetness really blended well with the juniper bite and gave it an almost entirely new flavor that didn’t remind me of my heavy gin guzzling days. The Sunspot actually helped me overcome my fear of gin cocktails which I didn’t think would ever happen.

 

SANDIA FRIA

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This is Spanish for “cold watermelon” and it’s basically a fancy ass margarita. Yes, it’s made with tequila but it also has watermelon syrup and hibiscus salt on the rim. Just look at this damn thing. Probably the best, most accessible drink on the menu that achieves that balance between the base spirit and the sweet syrup better than anything else I tried this day. The salt not only adds a lot to the cocktail but it looks damn good for all you assholes who love throwing this kind of stuff up on the ‘gram.

 

STUCK IN MY CABANA

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I spent plenty of time stuck in a cabana on a remote island being interrogated by Pitbull’s security team after they found me stowing away on his yacht. I only wish I had this delicious, icy drink with me. It’s made with raspberry brandy, coconut syrup and tepache. That last word refers to a Mexican fermented pineapple drink that is usually sold by street vendors or at taco shops but is now bottled into a liqueur by a big company because white people just can’t stop colonizing.

 

RODEO QUEEN

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This was inspired by a champagne cocktail called the French 76. It’s made with vodka, sparkling wine and blueberry syrup. It’s light on the alcohol content, fruity, refreshing and you could easily have a few of these with brunch or during a hungover breakfast. Because, like the mimosa, this drink makes early morning alcohol consumption seem acceptable and fun. Also the lack of actual champagne will probably piss off a Frenchman, which I’m totally okay with.

 

SANTA CRUZ FLOAT

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And finally we’re at the dessertiest thing on the menu. This is pretty much a boozy root beer float made with clear Del Bac whiskey, milk stout syrup and salted caramel ice cream. If you think it would be super sweet then you’re right, it is. But it also has this amazing smoky flavor thanks to the whiskey. It’s served in a tall mug that’s meant to be shared just like the good ole days when your grandpa would take his best girl down to the diner, buy her a float and smoke cigarettes indoors legally while sharing his disdain for people who were a different race than him. Boy am I glad my racist grandpa’s dead. He was…just the worst. Anyhoozle, this Santa Cruz float is awesome. Share one with a friend. Preferably a friend of a different race!

Salud!

Brewery Talks Podcast

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For some reason people think it’s a good idea to put a microphone in front of my stupid fat drunk face so I can be a guest on their podcasts. Unfortunately for them, I’m an egomaniac who will spew drunken bullshit into any recording device nearby, Richard Nixon style, except not racist. So when a guy named Nash Carlson contacted me to tell me that he and his lady were exploring breweries across the country in their RV (white peoples’ lives is #goals) and that he needed an expert in the Tucson craft beer scene to go on his show I, of course, obliged.

So please check out my episode of the Brewery Talks Podcast on iTunes, Spotify and whatever Android people use for podcasts. Nash’s blog is called Sunnyside Up Traveling and you can check that out here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com 

The pod ep I’m on is here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com/brewerytalkspodcast/2019/2/2/the-inside-scoop-of-the-tucson-beer-scene

If you want you can also follow Sunnyside Up Traveling on Instagram and Facebook.

And finally, if you’re a first time visitor to my blog because you heard me on the podcast you can feel free to roam around the dumb beer stories I’ve written for the past 4 years. But I’ll also give you a few articles to start off with so you can see exactly what the hell I’m all about.

One of my most popular articles was called:
The Classy Alcoholic’s Guide To Pairing Arizona Beer With The Grossest, Loneliest Fast Food

The sequel to that article was:
The Naked Chicken Chalupa Paired With AZ Beers

If you’re visiting Tucson (which you should!) here is a guide to…
Cheap Bar Eats In Tucson

Thanks for stopping by. I’m currently working on some long-form writing projects which is why it’s been a bit quiet on this space. But there’s plenty more to come!

Salud!

Cheap Bar Eats in Tucson

I hate food. Food is a waste of perfectly good money that could be spent on more drinks. But somehow our stupid bodies need it so we don’t die, which is stupid. Luckily I’ve found a few dive bars in Tucson that serve really good meals for super cheap so you can soak up enough booze to stay alive and then drink more afterward. These are the best deals for your money that I’ve found so far.

Just a disclaimer, the pictures I took of my food all look terrible because they were taken in places where the lighting really sucks. Also there’s no guarantee that you won’t get stabbed at one of these joints and I’m not responsible for any deaths that might occur from your drunk ass walking in there. Okay, cool, let’s do this!

Wooden Nickel Tavern

Located at 1908 S Country Club Rd, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open 7 days a week, 11a-2a
http://woodennickeltucson.com

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The Wooden Nickel’s menu has a ton of good burgers, subs and sandwiches as well as typical bar appetizers like nachos, onion rings and potato skins. But their best food deal happens on Wing Wednesday. They used to sell wings for only 50 cents apiece but due to inflation or whatever they’ve had to raise the price to 75 each. Don’t hold it against them, though. The wings are really meaty and there are several flavors that you can mix and match in your order. Normally when you go to a place with cheap wing specials they only give you the tiniest pieces of the shitty baby chickens that were too stupid to keep from slipping into their bigass water pail and weren’t strong enough to crawl back out.

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Button Brewhouse’s 1st Anniversary Celebration

Saturday, September 15th from 12p-10p
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Tucson, AZ 85741
Hours: Mon-Thurs 3p-8p; Fri 2p-10p; Sat 12p-10p; Sun 11a-6p

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So first things first, I’ll disclose that I absolutely love Button Brewhouse. With all of my heart. And I’m very happy that they’re about to celebrate their first anniversary.

Looking back on the past twelve months it seems like they’re a success story that should’ve never happened. That statement has nothing to do with the quality of their beers or their customer service. They’ve proven themselves to be top notch in both those areas. But they’ve fought against so many obstacles that could’ve absolutely ruined their shit.

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Rain Crow IPA Collaboration

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to Borderlands Brewing Co. in Tucson to report on a new beer collaboration for a good cause. Borderlands opened up their facility to their neighbors from Crooked Tooth Brewing and to Wren House Brewing from Phoenix for a project that was intended to benefit Audubon Arizona.

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For those of you who don’t know, Audubon Arizona is dedicated to conservation and to connecting people with nature. They teamed up with these three breweries to co-brand a beer called Rain Crow IPA in order to bring awareness of the plight of…some fucking bird, I think.

Okay, sorry, I’ll be honest, I’m not an outdoorsy person at all and I know nothing about nature. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the cause and I’m all about conservation. My parents taught me not to ever waste anything. Whether it’s water in the desert we call home or the hundreds of little baggies of cocaine that my dad made me help him cut with baking soda, the point is that we have to do everything we can to make our resources last for as long as possible.

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