Hangover Movies Paired With Last Night’s Drunken Events

Nominate The Classy Alcoholic for Best Blog in the Tucson Weekly here: https://posting.tucsonweekly.com/tucson/Survey?survey=27932834

I’d like to think we’re all familiar with the concept of a “hangover movie.” On the mornings that we’re feeling like absolute ass after a night of heavy drinking, only laying sideways on the couch brings us any semblance of relief. And when we’re there we know that there are certain types of films that bring us a sense of comfort. We might not realize it right away but there are certain criteria for hangover movies that we’ve all come to accept as a society.

Ideally it’s a movie that we’ve seen a bunch times so that we don’t have to exert a lot of mental energy into understanding what’s going on. Plenty of action sequences won’t hurt so if you fall asleep during the talky-talk parts you can be woken up by the pew-pew parts and the ‘splosiony things. Also it should be long as hell so it carries you through the worst of the pain. I can tell you’re already thinking of your favorite hangover movies as you read this.

Back To The Future? The Matrix? The Lord of the Fucking Rings?

The franchises are the best because you can just let them ride for hours and hours. And these days you want to be able to stream an entire series because getting up and grabbing a DVD case from your shelf then walking over to put the disc into your DVD player is going to take way too much effort and also hurt like fuck.

My ideal hangover movie situation is being on vacation at a hotel and turning on the TV to find a LotR marathon on TNT or whatever because they will play all those bitches with commercials which means you’re getting practically an entire day’s worth of a comforting movie blanket while you try super hard not to throw up.

And even hangover movies aren’t exempt when it comes to The Classy Alcoholic’s famous pairing skills. Which is why I bring you a list of the best hangover movies that are expertly paired with the previous night’s drunken festivities. So let’s fucking gooooooo!

 

The Event: Titty Bar Bachelor Party
It’s embarrassing that you were dumb enough to go to a strip club and pay at least $40 for a boner when you could’ve just got one at home for free. But your idiot co-worker Frank wanted to celebrate his bachelor party because he is about to marry a beautiful lady named Marie. And you felt obliged to go because Frank made a couple of complaints to HR about you showing up drunk to his cubicle at 9am and calling him a “lazy spreadsheet ass BITCH” out loud. Which, like, to be fair, Frank is really fucking bad at getting his spreadsheets completed and submitted on time. But at the end of the day he dropped his complaints after you started being nice to him and you wanted to keep that streak going. So you bought many a $20 shot of garbage whiskey at the titty bar, not just for yourself but for Frank and the rest of your stupid co-workers because you wanted to make sure you didn’t have to look for a new job in this economy.

Before you knew it those $12 Coors Light cans added up and the last thing you remember was crying into a stripper’s lap in the Champagne Room over your ex-girlfriend and her telling you that you’re out of cash and you’re not allowed to use the ATM anymore because someone saw you try to hump it a bunch so please get the fuck out.

The Movie: Casino Royale
Casino Royale

This is going to be a difficult discussion for a lot of reasons. The first is that old James Bond movies all suck butts. The only good one is Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig Without A Shirt On. Please be aware that this is NOT a good hangover movie for your first time viewing. I say that from personal experience. It’s a complicated, twisty spy thriller that’ll make your head hurt if you try to figure out what’s going on. When I rewatched it sober it was like an entirely different movie. And it has just the right amount of loud pew-pew, punchy stuff so that you can pass out during the boring poker shit.

Another difficult discussion is how I don’t know if titty bars are good or bad. As dudes we’re clearly garbage for objectifying women the way we do but also women are making money off of our dumbasses for just being horny. Is that feminism? If you’re here looking for the right answer from a dumb alcoholic I can tell you that you’re in the wrong place because I DON’T KNOW.

But what I do know is that there’s a scene in Casino Royale in which Daniel Craig walks out on the beach in tiny swim trunks with his bangin bod and that no matter how secure in our heterosexuality we are, every one of us dudes will get a confused hangover boner when we see this. Don’t even deny it, bitches. DO NOT.

Craig

So at the very least this hangover brings you the comfort of a fun action movie while also bringing you the shame of having drunkenly objectified women just trying to make a living the entire night before while trying to grapple with the reality that you’d love Daniel Craig’s rock hard, greasy-ass abs rubbing up against you just as much. And maybe by the end of this hangover you will have fucking learned something!

 

The Event: Family Gathering
Those of us who are Mexican know all too well that mom will ask you the same damn thing every time you see each other: “Tienes novia, mijo?” Which translates to, “Do you have a girlfriend, mijo?” And you say “No,” which translates to “No,” but she won’t let it go so she asks “Porque no?” which translates to, “Why not, is it because you’re gay?” You tell her that things just haven’t worked out for you but also say that she shouldn’t fucking judge people no matter what their lifestyle is and she just stays quiet, thinking that her son probably turned out gay.

The family has only shit beer, which you drink because there’s nothing else around. But then your sister shows up. She’s got a fat bottle of tequila in one hand and a six pack of genuinely good craft beer in the other because she knows you’re visiting and knows what you like to drink. You instantly feel bad about the time you were kids and you kicked her in the back of the head into the pool and told your parents that she tripped and her dumbass couldn’t argue because she was a toddler and couldn’t say words yet.

The Movie: Home AloneHome Alone

When you were a little kid the scariest thing in the world was the thought of being left alone in a grocery store. But somehow this movie made being left behind by your parents because they were going on vacation across the country or because they got hammered drunk at a dive bar and your dad drove his car through the side of that dive bar and got put into the drunk tank for the night seem fucking DOPE.

I mean, sure, that little blonde white kid could get away with accidentally stealing a toothbrush from the grocery store while your brown ass would’ve gotten immediately shot by the cop who was too lazy to chase you even if you were 9 years old or whatever. But this movie, like most hangover movies, holds an emotional place in your heart even though you know in your head that it’s bad. It’s like how grown-ass men and women will tell you that The Goonies is a good movie even though that thing is absolute unwatchable dogshit. Also, it’s just a fucking toothbrush, let that little bitch go. Fuck da police.

But the first part of Home Alone when Blonde White Kid is over his insufferable family and gets left by himself will keep you engaged enough and you can then take a hearty nap until the parts where the baby tries to violently murder Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.

I haven’t seen the movie in a long while. Were Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci trying to have sex with that kid?

Ew

 

The Event: DA CLUB
You say fuck it and go out to da club after a bad breakup. You try to meet and hook up with hot ladies but you realize right away that they can’t hear you talk to them and don’t give a shit what you have to say anyway plus you can’t dance. This fucking sucks, dude.

The Movie: The Goonies
The Goonies Sucks

Sometimes the movie to watch after a night that fucking sucks is one that also fucking sucks. Goddamn this movie is annoying despite the presence of Josh Brolin. But maybe if you wake up hungover after a night at da club that sucked and you put on this movie that also sucks and suffer through it it’ll remind you that you’re too goddamn old to be going in to da club to try and meet ladies. Bad breakup be damned, stick to what you know!

 

The Event: Your Best Friend’s Wedding
Your co-worker Frank is such a fucking dumbass that he never even realized that his fiancée Marie was an ex-girlfriend of yours. She broke up with you for him after the two of you spent a year together and you were so fucked up over it that you decided to get hammered and go da club to try and meet new girls as a way to get over her and you failed fucking miserably. You drunk texted her and told here that you still loved her and that Frank was such a little bitch that he couldn’t even get the simplest of spreadsheets turned in on time.

But she didn’t care. She decided to marry him and you decided to get drunk and crash the wedding. You knew you could take Frank. For years you’ve been thinking about how well you could fuck him up if the two of you ever fought. But you completely forgot that Marie had an older brother named Teddy who’s a body builder and who knocked you out in one punch to the face and dragged you out to the street because he would not abide you ruining the best day of his sister’s life. You wake up in a ditch and get your hungover ass home.

The Movie: Con Air
Con Air

Did you think I was going to suggest that 90’s Julia Roberts movie called My Best Friend’s Wedding in which she tried to break up her friend’s wedding because she was in love with him and he was marrying someone else?

Nah, fuck that. While that is a prime hangover movie you’re going to need something a little more intense after a night like that. Nicolas Cage is the 90’s Hangover Movie King. That motherfucker was in both The Rock and Face/Off. Either of which would serve as the ultimate hangover movies but you must not forget that after a couple of hours of some of the most killer action scenes ever put to film the movie Con Air ends with that Trisha Yearwood “How Do I Live” song that will make any grown ass man cry while sober. And during a miserable hangover with a side of heartbreak you’re going to need a hell of a good cry.

Just like you need to sweat out the booze you also need to sweat out the sad, motherfucker. And there’s nothing like that scene with Nic Cage and Monica Potter making out with the song playing in the background to make you realize that you need to forget Marie and pick your ass back up.

Monica Potter

But not today. Order a pizza and stay on the couch. Pick yourself up tomorrow.

 

 

Brewery Talks Podcast

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For some reason people think it’s a good idea to put a microphone in front of my stupid fat drunk face so I can be a guest on their podcasts. Unfortunately for them, I’m an egomaniac who will spew drunken bullshit into any recording device nearby, Richard Nixon style, except not racist. So when a guy named Nash Carlson contacted me to tell me that he and his lady were exploring breweries across the country in their RV (white peoples’ lives is #goals) and that he needed an expert in the Tucson craft beer scene to go on his show I, of course, obliged.

So please check out my episode of the Brewery Talks Podcast on iTunes, Spotify and whatever Android people use for podcasts. Nash’s blog is called Sunnyside Up Traveling and you can check that out here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com 

The pod ep I’m on is here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com/brewerytalkspodcast/2019/2/2/the-inside-scoop-of-the-tucson-beer-scene

If you want you can also follow Sunnyside Up Traveling on Instagram and Facebook.

And finally, if you’re a first time visitor to my blog because you heard me on the podcast you can feel free to roam around the dumb beer stories I’ve written for the past 4 years. But I’ll also give you a few articles to start off with so you can see exactly what the hell I’m all about.

One of my most popular articles was called:
The Classy Alcoholic’s Guide To Pairing Arizona Beer With The Grossest, Loneliest Fast Food

The sequel to that article was:
The Naked Chicken Chalupa Paired With AZ Beers

If you’re visiting Tucson (which you should!) here is a guide to…
Cheap Bar Eats In Tucson

Thanks for stopping by. I’m currently working on some long-form writing projects which is why it’s been a bit quiet on this space. But there’s plenty more to come!

Salud!

Cheap Bar Eats in Tucson

I hate food. Food is a waste of perfectly good money that could be spent on more drinks. But somehow our stupid bodies need it so we don’t die, which is stupid. Luckily I’ve found a few dive bars in Tucson that serve really good meals for super cheap so you can soak up enough booze to stay alive and then drink more afterward. These are the best deals for your money that I’ve found so far.

Just a disclaimer, the pictures I took of my food all look terrible because they were taken in places where the lighting really sucks. Also there’s no guarantee that you won’t get stabbed at one of these joints and I’m not responsible for any deaths that might occur from your drunk ass walking in there. Okay, cool, let’s do this!

Wooden Nickel Tavern

Located at 1908 S Country Club Rd, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open 7 days a week, 11a-2a
http://woodennickeltucson.com

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The Wooden Nickel’s menu has a ton of good burgers, subs and sandwiches as well as typical bar appetizers like nachos, onion rings and potato skins. But their best food deal happens on Wing Wednesday. They used to sell wings for only 50 cents apiece but due to inflation or whatever they’ve had to raise the price to 75 each. Don’t hold it against them, though. The wings are really meaty and there are several flavors that you can mix and match in your order. Normally when you go to a place with cheap wing specials they only give you the tiniest pieces of the shitty baby chickens that were too stupid to keep from slipping into their bigass water pail and weren’t strong enough to crawl back out.

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Button Brewhouse’s 1st Anniversary Celebration

Saturday, September 15th from 12p-10p
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Tucson, AZ 85741
Hours: Mon-Thurs 3p-8p; Fri 2p-10p; Sat 12p-10p; Sun 11a-6p

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So first things first, I’ll disclose that I absolutely love Button Brewhouse. With all of my heart. And I’m very happy that they’re about to celebrate their first anniversary.

Looking back on the past twelve months it seems like they’re a success story that should’ve never happened. That statement has nothing to do with the quality of their beers or their customer service. They’ve proven themselves to be top notch in both those areas. But they’ve fought against so many obstacles that could’ve absolutely ruined their shit.

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Rain Crow IPA Collaboration

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to Borderlands Brewing Co. in Tucson to report on a new beer collaboration for a good cause. Borderlands opened up their facility to their neighbors from Crooked Tooth Brewing and to Wren House Brewing from Phoenix for a project that was intended to benefit Audubon Arizona.

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For those of you who don’t know, Audubon Arizona is dedicated to conservation and to connecting people with nature. They teamed up with these three breweries to co-brand a beer called Rain Crow IPA in order to bring awareness of the plight of…some fucking bird, I think.

Okay, sorry, I’ll be honest, I’m not an outdoorsy person at all and I know nothing about nature. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the cause and I’m all about conservation. My parents taught me not to ever waste anything. Whether it’s water in the desert we call home or the hundreds of little baggies of cocaine that my dad made me help him cut with baking soda, the point is that we have to do everything we can to make our resources last for as long as possible.

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The Classy Fiesta at Dillinger Brewing Co. – Tucson, AZ

Friday, July 13th, 2018
5pm – 9pm
3895 N Oracle Rd, Tucson, AZ 85705, located in a warehouse behind the pawnshop

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This Friday the 13th I’ll be teaming up with my friends at Dillinger Brewing Co. in Tucson to host an event called The Classy Fiesta. It’ll be a “brewery takeover,” during which I’ll be rocking a Latin music playlist the whole night. We’ll have Mexican food from Doxie Hot Dogs, a local food truck, on site. There will be raffles every hour so you can win Dillinger swag and beer. And we’ll have a piñata that was designed to look like me dropping at 7:05pm.

This event is partially intended to promote my blog and to beg for votes now that I’m officially a finalist in the annual Best of Tucson awards for the Best Blog category (vote for me here). But it’s is also intended to start a conversation that I feel is necessary regarding the lack of diversity in our Arizona craft beer scene.

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1912 Brewing Co’s 3rd Anniversary – Tucson, AZ

Saturday, July 7th, 2018.
11AM – 10PM
2045 N. Forbes Blvd #105, Tucson, AZ 85745
http://www.1912brewing.com

1912 Brewing Company in Tucson is ready to celebrate their 3rdanniversary on Saturday, July 7th. They’re throwing a Havana Nights-themed party with several new beer releases and a few infusions that will continue to cement their status as one of Arizona’s best microbreweries. I was invited over to report on this upcoming event because I’m the most qualified of all the Arizona beer journalists given that I’ve been to Miami and also I watched the entirety of Scarface on TNT last Sunday while hungover as hell. You ever watch Scarface with the commercials added? It takes an entire goddamn day.

I was lucky enough to get a private tasting of the four newest beers that will be on tap during the party. This is some legitimately exclusive reporting, y’all. The only people who have tried these things so far are 1912’s employees and your favorite fat Mexican blogger in a suit. 1912’s owner, Allan Conger, guided me through each of the beers. This brewery’s like a great big chicken just waiting to get plucked.

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Classy’s Drunken Film Reviews – Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

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Summertime in the desert means I get to enjoy my favorite activity: getting irresponsibly drunk in public places where other people aren’t allowed to talk to me. I got ridiculously lit in a monastery last week and none of those dudes in hoodies could yell at me to quit drinking so much and to put my pants back on.

Which is also why I enjoy going to the movies, especially now that I have several theaters in close proximity that serve alcohol. These joints are starting to understand that most movies are garbage and that the only things that could make them better are copious amounts of booze or Clive Owen.

I bought my ticket to a 2:30pm showing of Jurassic Park 5: Jurassic World 2: Fallen Kingdom. It was on Senior Monday which was fitting because I ended up sitting next to a guy so old he looked like he went to high school with a fuckin’ T-Rex.

I approached the movie theater bar, already drunk, trying to do my best to appear sober enough to not be denied a beer. They had Lagunitas IPA and Tucson’s Barrio Blonde on tap. “Lagunitas” seemed like it would get all slurred to hell. “Luhhhgunitushhhh,” probably.

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Party For McCarty DIPA on tap for a good cause

I don’t often write serious posts because the blog was always intended to be comedic. But this deserves some serious treatment. There’s a new beer on tap throughout Phoenix and Tucson called Party For McCarty that was brewed in honor of a Quail Distributing employee named Jeff McCarty who passed away last month. As if that wasn’t unfortunate enough his wife was left with some very hefty medical bills. Friends of mine have had a few scares and close calls with their own medical issues recently but they’ve been lucky enough to make it through and I’ve been lucky enough to still have them in my life. So I can’t imagine what it would be like to suffer the loss of someone I love and still have to worry about meeting the financial obligations afterward.

Because of this several people of the Arizona beer/booze scene came together to do what they do best and help take care of their own. Party For McCarty was brewed not just to honor a man’s life and his decades of work in the restaurant and distribution industry. It is also intended to alleviate some of the medical debt left behind. The revenue from the beer sale is being donated to Jeff’s family.

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My friends at Quail Distributing collaborated with the AZ Craft Brewers Guild and several local businesses to brew a hazy, 9% ABV double IPA with organic honey and orange zest. I’ve already tried the beer and can confirm that it is fantastic. That should have been expected considering the people who were involved in making it. It was brewed at Scottsdale Beer Company with assistance from North Mountain Brewing in Phoenix as well as 1912 Brewing Company in Tucson. Page Spring Cellars, an excellent winery from Cornville out in the Verde Valley, and Wild Tonic Jun Kombucha also contributed to its creation.

This blog has existed for over three years now and in that time I’ve come to realize how spoiled we are in the Arizona booze scene. I specifically write “booze” because the great people I’ve met during my time as a blogger aren’t just part of the craft beer business. Our local wineries, distillers and whatever you call Kombucha makers are also part of our family. And though I personally didn’t know Jeff McCarty I know what it feels like to lose a member of the family.

So please, drink a few pints of Party For McCarty if you see it on tap. It won’t be hard to find. It’s on tap at 44 locations throughout Arizona now. Scroll down to see the full list.

Salud, everybody. And thanks to everyone in Arizona who supports the local community. Not just booze. Anyone who opens a local restaurant, art shop, etc. has my respect and admiration. And I’ll continue to do everything I can to offer my support as well.

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Party For McCarty is available at these locations:
1702

1912 Brewing Co.

Arizona Beer House

Bottleshop 48

Boulders On Broadway

Brass Tap – Gilbert

Brass Tap – Mesa

Casual Pint – Chandler

Casual Pint – Phoenix

Craft 64

Divided Wine

GCM

Ground Control

Hops On Birch

Hungry Monk

Kings Beer & Wine

Mellow Mushroom – High St.

Mellow Mushroom – Mesa

MOTO

Noble Hops

North Mountain Brewing Co.

O.H.S.O. – Scottsdale

Park Plaza Liquors

Pig & Pickle

Reilly Craft

Scottsdale Beer Co.

Serial Grillers

Sip Coffee & Beer Garage

Sip Coffee & Beer House

Sip Coffee & Beer Kitchen

Skeptical Chymist

Tap & Bottle – North

Tap & Bottle – South

Tarbell’s

Tavern Americana

The Wandering Tortoise

The Whining Pig – Arcadia

The Whining Pig – Ahwatukee

The Whining Pig – DT Phoenix

The Whining Pig – Gilbert

The Attic

Tipsy Cactus

Tops Liquors

Tucson Hop Shop

Nominate me for Best Tucson Blog – 2018

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It’s time for The Tucson Weekly newspaper to start accepting nominations for their annual Best of Tucson Awards. Last year I came in third place, which is way more than you would have ever expected from me, DAD, you ASSHOLE.

The first round is happening now and lasts until June 17th. In this part you have to actually type in the names of at least 30 Tucson businesses and such in order for your ballot to count. Yes, I know it sounds like a pain in the ass but it’ll be worth it if I win and I throw the dopest, week-long drunken bender that you’re not invited to.

Click the link below. If I get enough nominations to break the top three I’ll move on to the second round where you can vote for me against whatever other bullshit blogs the less cool people vote for.

And no, I’m not just gonna sit back and expect you to nominate me without putting in any work. So for the next few weeks I’ll be putting out a series of Tucson-centric blog posts on this very site highlighting several local beer, wine, spirit and food spots.

So go vote. ‘Cause if I know my readers, this is the only thing you’re legally allowed to vote in anyway.

https://posting.tucsonweekly.com/tucson/Survey?survey=16173761