Classy Invades Terrestrial Radio

This Saturday, 9/23, I’ll be on terrestrial radio as the celebrity co-host of a show in Tucson called “On The Menu…Live!” from 5p-6p. I’ll be talking about Arizona booze and food while desperately trying to avoid an FCC fine! Listen in to what could either be a really fun hour or the event that literally bankrupts me into oblivion if I can’t keep from discussing my genitals on the air.

For my younger readers: you know that thing in your car that you hook up your aux cord or Bluetooth to so you can listen to podcasts from your phone? Well that thing should also have a little knob that you can spin to hear music or other people’s voices jabbering about all kinds of horseshit. Turn one of those knobs to 104.1 FM KQTH, Tucson’s News and Talk on Saturday, 9/23 at 5pm to listen me drunkenly try to spew coherent sentences into an expensive microphone.

If you don’t have a radio or if you’re not in Tucson you can still hear me embarrass myself live by streaming the show on their website:

How could anyone think I’d be a good fit for a public radio broadcast? I don’t know, I’m just as confused as you are!


Classy v. Tapthat: Dawn of Fatness

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must decide just how fat he is willing to be. In this life you either die a John Belushi or you live long enough to see yourself become Jim Belushi. As a heavy drinker who hates being alive I’ve basically decided that working on myself isn’t worth it and it would be nice to just kinda die in my sleep one night whenever.

Or at least that’s what I felt until I was called out by a fellow fat man who had the balls to challenge me. There’s a fairly new podcast out there called Tap That AZ. Each episode highlights a brewery or major player in the AZ beer scene. I was even a guest on the show myself. The host, Eric Tapthat (or whatever) is a nice guy who’s looking to drop some weight. The two of us met up with Justin Cross to join his Brewtrition workout plan. It’s a fitness plan for beer drinkers created because Justin believes you can drink beer and be in great shape as long as you earn your booze.

As of today Eric Tapthat and I will be competing with each other to reach our respective weight loss goals by Wednesday, November 22nd, the day before Thanksgiving. Because we’re gonna celebrate our achievements by stuffing our fat faces full of turkey.

We’ll be posting updates of our progress throughout our social media pages and I’ll be adding write ups right here on my blog. Here are our stats so you know where we’re starting: 

The Classy Alcoholic
Age: 31

Height: 5’9” (5’10” on a good day)

Weight (w/clothes): 194lbs

Weight (naked and drunk): 189lbs

Waist line: 39.5inches

Neck line: 18inches

Advantages: Used to be skinny. Got laid a lot. Misses it.

Obstacles: Lost the will to live years ago
Eric Tapthat

Age: 38

Height: 6’3”

Weight: 290lbs

Waist line: 44

Chest: 52inches

Neck: 19inches

Advantages: Actually cares whether he lives or dies

Obstacles: Chicken
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for updates throughout the next 10 weeks or so as The Classy Alcoholic does what he never thought he would do and engage in some minimal form of physical exercise. Watch as two fat guys slowly make minimal gains that sober people who eat veggies make pretty much every time they take a dump.

The Classy Alcoholic Goes Global

The Classy Alcoholic is about to go on his first international adventure. For pretty much the rest of August 2017 I will be roaming and drinking throughout Tokyo and other places in Japan. There is a legitimate chance that I will be blown up by North Korea while I’m there so it’s my goal to be drunk enough throughout the entire trip that I don’t feel the nuclear blast rippping the meat off of my skeleton, Sarah Connor style!

I probably won’t be using this blog space too much until I get back so if you wanna follow along on my foreign booze adventures you should follow me on my various social media platforms.

Like my Facebook Page here. I’ll be posting pictures and drunken ramblings there.

Follow me on Instagram: I’ll also be posting pictures and a bunch of stupid hashtags there.

Follow me on Twitter: I just started a Twitter acccount. My handle is @brownanddrunk. This is probably the best place to keep up with my travels because it’s the best platform for quick pics and observations on the spot while I’m out in the land of Sake and Godzilla.

I’m like Anthony Bourdain, minus heroin, plus sadness! 

Beercentennial Man – The Final Chapter

Button Brewhouse – Marana, AZ
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Marana, AZ 85741
Opening date TBD

The 4th and final chapter of my story, “Beercentennial Man.” Read Part 1 here, Part 2 here and Part 3 here.

I arrived in Marana, a town just northwest of Tucson to find the Button Brewhouse building. Construction on the place was well underway when I arrived. The patio was fully built and the sign was hanging on the front, ready for the brewery’s opening sometime in 2017.

I knew my pal Mr. Button was inside, held hostage in his own brewery by ClassyBot, a liquid metal cyborg who looked exactly like me and wanted me dead so he could take my place. I walked into the unfinished brewery, ready for anything.


The brewing equipment in the back was all fully installed but the taproom still needed some work. I walked past a large pile of old appliances that were ready to be thrown out. There was a stove, some cracked microwaves, toasters, broken laptops, a couple of busted up kegerators on wheels and a bunch of other crap. I figured it must’ve been stuff from the previous tenant in the building.

Button was in the middle of the taproom amongst boxes and tools, tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth. I ran over to him and ripped the tape off, taking a bunch of his beard hair with it.

“Are you hurt, Button?”

“Shit! Yes, you just ripped half my beard off!”

“Oh. Damn. No, I meant ClassyBot. Did he hurt you?”

“Actually no, he’s been treating me pretty well. He apologized for kidnapping me. He only did it because he knew you would come save me and then he could murder you. Oh and he went and got me a sandwich ‘cause I said I was hungry. It was a good sandwich too, none of that Subway bullshit. We talked a lot about me starting my business and how I’m excited but also nervous. He gave me some good advice ‘cause he downloaded a whole bunch of info for entrepreneurs onto his hard drive. And you know, for a robot he’s a really good listener and he seems to genuinely care about me getting the brewery-”

“Hey, so, I know you’re doing a whole thing right now but…is there any more of that sandwich left?”

“What? No, I ate the fucking sandwich! Did you really stop listening to me right at the word ‘sandwich’? You know what, never mind, just get me out of this chair before ClassyBot comes back and kills you.”

I was about to untie Button even though I was a bit upset that he didn’t save me any of that damn sandwich.

“Classy, look out!” he yelled.

Something hit me in the back hard enough to knock me off my feet. I turned around and saw the pile of old appliances by the door fused together into one giant robot like the world’s most fucked up Lego creation. The kegerators were its legs, the stove was its body and the fists were toasters. I tried to get away but got a toaster punch right in the face. The appliance bot was faster than me because it was on wheels and ‘cause I was fat.

“Don’t do this, ClassyBot!” Button shouted as loud as he could. “Please stop hurting my friend!”

A bunch of extension cords slithered like snakes out of the appliance bot’s body. They moved all on their own somehow toward me. The cords tied themselves around my wrists and ankles.

“He’s not your friend anymore, Button. I’m the only friend you need.” ClassyBot walked into the taproom looking damned good in a suit and tie, eating the last few bites of what looked like a really good sandwich.


“Why are you doing this, ClassyBot? You don’t have to kill me. We can co-exist. Do you know how great the world would be with two dudes who look like us?”

“I never asked to be you! I mean I’m kinda glad I am because, seriously, this is some amazing fucking hair! But I didn’t want to be implanted with the shit memories of your failed relationships. I didn’t want to be given your impulse control issues or have to feel what you feel. You’re such a moody bitch sometimes, Classy!”

“But you’re made of liquid metal now. You can literally look like anyone. You can be anyone. You can give yourself some killer abs in less than a second. I would love to have that power.”

“That’s the difference between me and you. I’ve accepted who I am. But instead of just wallowing and letting myself lose the will to live I’ve chosen to become better. You don’t even realize how much you have at your fingertips. The Arizona craft beer community loves you and you just push everyone away any chance you get. Poor Button here doesn’t know what it means to be let down by you yet. And thanks to me he’ll never have to.”

“ClassyBot, if you really care about me and want to be a part of this community then you have to spare Original Classy’s life,” Button said. “Yes, he can be an asshole sometimes but he doesn’t intentionally try to hurt people.”

“I do care about you, Button. And that’s why you’ll see that life will be so much better with me around. I have immense power now that I want to use for good. Hell, I learned how to create and control ApplianceBot remotely. I can process information so quickly that I’ll be at the forefront of creating new technology and finding ways to overcome incurable diseases around the world. Other Classy’s only major achievement in life is knowing the lyrics to every single Coldplay song, even the B-sides. There are other bands besides Coldplay out there, you know! I want to know what the hell a Radiohead is. Why didn’t you ever listen to any Radiohead, you dick?!?”

ApplianceBot picked me up and held me with his arms made of external hard drives and Rokus and shit. ClassyBot walked over and turned his hand into a metal spear. He stabbed me in the abdomen and left the blade in. Button was yelling but I couldn’t make out what he was saying.

“What are you doing to me?” I asked the handsome cyborg.

“I’m taking everything from you. I’m going to drain you of all your blood and inject it into myself. I want so badly to be human. I want to be the person you never bothered to be.”

That’s when I realized what I needed to do. ClassyBot didn’t just know me. He was me. So I had to do something he would never expect of himself.

“Okay, ClassyBot. I won’t fight you anymore. You’re right. You should be the real me. I just want to ask for one last favor.”

“I swear, if you ask me for a fucking sandwich right now-”

“No. I just want to say goodbye to Button. I want to give him a hug and thank him for his friendship. Please…let me have that.”


ClassyBot waved his hand and ApplianceBot let me go. The extension cords untied themselves from my wrists and ankles. ClassyBot took his spear hand and cut Button loose from the chair. My friend walked over to me and hugged me.

“I’m sorry, Button.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Classy.”

“Yes I do,” I said as I reached for the designated wing fork I always carried around in my suit jacket pocket. The one I used to eat boneless chicken wings because eating wings with your hands is for assholes. I stabbed Button in the stomach with the fork.

“BUTTON, NO!” ClassyBot yelled as he ran toward me with his hand still shaped like a blade.

I pushed Button out of the way and grabbed one of ApplianceBot’s toaster fists. The handsome cyborg tried to stab me in the face but I blocked and caught his metal spear inside the toaster.

“You’re bread, motherfucker!” I said as I flipped on the appliance.

ClassyBot’s body exploded and his head went flying through the air. The liquid metal fried and disintegrated. The head landed at my feet and its hair still looked fabulous.

“I can’t believe what you just did. You were willing to hurt Button to save your own sorry ass. I’ve seen so many amazing things in my short life. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Lake Havasu. C-beams glittering in the dark near the Kartchner Caverns. Tits. But I never thought I’d see that. Time to die.”

ClassyBot’s eyes closed. I walked over to Button to make sure he was okay.

“Hey, wait,” ClassyBot’s head said behind me. “Just one more thing. You meant to say, ‘You’re toast,’ just then right? And not, you know…bread?”

“Yeah, I kinda fucked that up.”

“You idiot.” The head’s eyes closed again and stayed closed for good this time.


The paramedics left Button Brewhouse after patching up the stab wound on the man that gave the business its name. I kept my distance, not wanting to confront Button after what I did to him. But I couldn’t avoid him any longer. I sat next to him in one of the new taproom chairs still wrapped in plastic.

“You’re a fucking asshole, Classy.”

“I’m so sorry, Button. I didn’t know what else to do. I knew that would throw ClassyBot off guard. If it makes you feel any better I stabbed you in the exact same place that Rosario Vargas stabbed me last year. And I’m okay!”

“Do you want me to thank you for stabbing me so well that I didn’t die?”

“Well you when you put it that way-”

“You could’ve killed me! I know you’re a loner who comes and goes without having to answer to anyone else. And that’s great if it works for you. But I have a family. You can’t gamble my life on a hunch. You have to be better that that. I risked my life for you earlier today because I trusted you to save me if things went badly. You came through like I thought you would and I appreciate it. But I guess I never thought I’d need someone to save me from you.”

I was devastated. Maybe everything the robot said about me was right.

“I really am sorry, Button. I’ll leave now. And you won’t have to see me again.”

I was about to walk out of the brewery with ClassyBot’s head under my arm when I heard Button call out to me.

“Wait, Classy, don’t go yet! Look, I’m really pissed at you right now. I can’t do anything about that. But…I know I won’t stay pissed forever. So go on whatever adventure you’re going on next. And I really hope you can come back here when we’re ready to open Button Brewhouse.”

“Really? You’re still willing to invite me to your grand opening after everything that happened?”

“I am. No matter what you’ve been a big supporter of me and my dream. I’m not gonna forget that. And I believe you’re still a good guy. You just have to get a little better at being you. We all do, I guess. Just give me some time and then we can grab a beer and shoot the shit like old times. That’s what friends do, right?”

I went in to the give Button a hug as he reached out for a handshake so his hand ended up on my stomach. I tried to high-five him but he was giving me a fist bump so he basically just punched my open hand. I ended up going back in for a hug but I was too close so I just put my arm under his and cupped his shoulder but managed to get the other arm around him in the awkwardest bro hug ever. I’m not good at showing affection. Shut up.

I walked out of the Button Brewhouse taproom still holding ClassyBot’s deactivated robot head.

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience the good parts of being human,” I said to what was now just another inanimate object. “You deserved better. I’m going to find whoever did this to you. And I’ll make sure this never happens again.”

I looked closely at the metal neck stump and saw something stamped in very small print. It said “Made In Japan.”

“Alright then. First things first, though, ClassyBot head. Let’s go get a sandwich.”


Beercentennial Man – Part 3

Dillinger Brewing Company – Tucson, AZ
Located at 3895 N Oracle Rd, Tucson, AZ 85705
Open Mon-Thurs 2p-9p; Fri 2p-11p; Sat 11a-11p; Sun 2p-9p

Part 3 of a 4-Part story. Read Part 1 here. Read Part 2 here.

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Bryan Raney who passed away on 7/22/2017. He was a homebrewer from California and was a big supporter of my blog. He was known as Fighting Robot Brewing on Instagram. His family’s GoFundMe page is here:


I ran into Dillinger Brewing Company’s taproom practically carrying my pal, Mr. Button. He was in bad shape after he saved my life by diving in front of a bolt of lightning shot out of the hand of a cyborg named ClassyBot that was engineered to look like me and had my memories and personality installed in his CPU. Seriously, if you didn’t get on board with the story when it first started you probably shouldn’t even be reading this shit right now.

The brewery was a little hard to find. It was tucked away off the main road down a row of storage facilities behind a pawnshop in the methy side of Tucson. I knew that one of Dillinger’s owners, Eric Sipe, would be able to help Button. The two of them were friends and they even collaborated on a coffee Pale Ale beer called “Early Brew Special.” Before he opened the brewery Sipe spent some time roaming through the U.S. and I’ve heard stories about his ability to survive in rugged conditions. I just hoped that at least some of them were true.

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Beercentennial Man – Part 2

Serial Grillers Restaurant & Taproom – Tucson, AZ
Located at 5737 E Speedway Blvd, Tucson, AZ 85715
Second location at 1970 W River Rd, Tucson, AZ 85704
Open Sun-Thurs 11a-9p; Fri & Sat 11a-10p

Part 2 of a 4-Part story. Read Part 1 here.


Serial Grillers is a Tucson-based restaurant that began as a food truck in 2012 serving cheesesteaks and burgers named after horror movie serial killers. A brick and mortar location opened in 2013 in midtown Tucson. The business was successful enough that in January of 2017 a second location opened on the Northwest side of town. The place was a regular haunt of mine, not just because they make excellent food but also because they serve exclusively craft beer at both locations. You won’t find any Bud Light on tap and their selection changes every time I go in there.

I walked in to the restaurant expecting to meet my pal, Mr. Button. Or rather: “Mr. Button.” I came straight from AZ Beer House where I defeated a robot that was engineered to look like him. It’s been that kinda day.

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Beercentennial Man – Part 1

Part 1 of a 4-Part story.

Arizona Beer House – Tucson, AZ
Located at 150 S Kolb Rd, Tucson, AZ 85710
Open Mon-Weds 2p-10p; Thurs-Sat 12p-12a; Sun 11a-10p


AZ Beer House is a taproom on the east side of Tucson that’s been open just under two years. With 34 taps and hundreds of bottles that you can drink on site or take home it was a place I tried to visit as often as I could.

The guy behind the bar was my buddy Derrick, a fellow beer blogger who started his own beer review site recently because he was inspired by the amazing success I’ve had. He was very excited to tell me that his new pseudonym was “Arizona Brew-Ru.”

“Wait,” I said, “is that a play on ‘Boo-Hoo’? Like, you’re Arizona Boo-Hoo but for beer?”

“No. What? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s like ‘guru.’ You know…Brew Guru?”

“Oh. I would’ve gone with Arizona Gurew.”

“Shit. That’s actually way better.”

I sipped my beer as I waited for my pal Mr. Button. The last time I saw him he and I saved the majority of Arizona’s craft beer from destruction by a beer terrorist. It was documented in my story called The Drunk Knight, in case you’re curious how we did that.

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