Overview

Over the weekend I came across a stupid looking bottle of booze that I hadn’t encountered before. It was a kettle corn whiskey called “Knucklenoggin.” I asked my Instagram followers via poll if I should try it and only 39% of them had the good sense to try and dissuade me from putting this poison into myself. But the other 61% were more than happy to watch me destroy my liver for their entertainment. And apart from not having much of a sense of self-preservation when it comes to what I put in my body The Classy Alcoholic is a man of the people. If the fans want it then Classy delivers; self-respect and my family’s desire to see me grow old be damned!

BOTTLE REVIEW

First off, this thing looks really fucken stupid. Most things on the label are intentionally upside down for reasons I can’t even imagine. But hey, what do I know? The only graphic design I ever did was spray-painting the words DIE PIG on the sides of cop cars back in high school after smoking some weird shit out of a bong shaped like Shrek’s dick. (It was long, green and full of swamp water, before you ask.)

The website will tell you that knucklenoggin means, “A humble person who has excelled into a wonderful life by chance and hard work” but I don’t believe for a second that that word doesn’t have racist origins. Call your black co-worker a knucklenoggin and see how fast you end up on the floor of the break room with a boot coming down on your back. Plus I’m pretty sure that weird design of a skull with a fist for a head is how you say “No Mexicans allowed” in hieroglyphics.  

The final red flag is the little note on the side that says “shake well” because I’ve never had a bottle of whiskey that I’ve had to fucking activate.

Bottle rating – 2/5

VISUAL REVIEW

I dunno, it looks like regular degular ass whiskey I guess?

Visual rating – 3/5

AROMA REVIEW

This is where things get really weird because this shit smells EXACTLY like kettle corn popcorn. And I know you’re thinking, “Well duh Classy why wouldn’t it smell like that lmao?” But don’t forget, dear reader, that I’ve shoved my nose into many strange, foul-smelling things that I felt obligated to drink. But enough about your mom (POW!!!!!!)

Usually the gimmicky flavored liquor bottles molest you in the nostrils with a paint thinner-adjacent fume that has only the slightest semblance of something fruity or sweet buried in the blend. But this thing somehow has the perfect balance of sweet, buttery and even saltiness on the nose. They say smell is the sense that’s most attached to memory. And this thing instantly transported me back to my childhood and to that time my dad lost me in the county fair because he was too distracted trying to cheat on my mom with the carny girl. He eventually found me napping on a giant bed of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuffies with a bunch of kettle corn dust on my OshKosh B’Gosh overalls.

Aroma rating – 4/5

Daddy Issues rating – 1/5

FLAVOR REVIEW

The nose is a bit incongruous with the actual taste of the whiskey but the latter is more in line with what I expected. There’s an acidic burn that would be better suited as a strong, delicious finish to a smooth sip of Irish whiskey. But here it’s all just a confusing mixture of too many flavors that barely speak to each other, much less blend harmoniously. While the sweetness is very prominent you can’t just do shit like this to traditional whiskey without creating a tragic concoction that doesn’t have a soul and somehow learned to beg for death. The subtle notes and thoughtful blends of spices, fruit, oak and herbs that you get from tasting real whiskey have been contorted into a shapeless, wet mass of pain and despair that crawls aimlessly in the dark before you beat it to death with a crowbar in what you tearfully tell yourself is an act of mercy. “Kill me! KILL ME!” it roars through the deformed mass of tissue that barely shaped itself into vocal cords, “I shouldn’t be ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!”

Honestly tho, I’ve tasted worse.

Flavor rating – 3/5

MIXABILITY REVIEW

After drinking, like, half a bottle of this bullshit while writing this article I realized it was really dumb to just drink it straight. If I were smarter and less drunk I would’ve realized sooner that this is basically a fucking cocktail mix. What goddamn moron would just drink this diabetes in a glass as is? So I decided to pour it into a cup of coffee to at least give myself a fighting chance of waking up and being a functional adult tomorrow. The thing paired really well with coffee, actually! I could see this being used in something like a white Russian to give it an added layer of deliciousness. If you try this please try it with something else to cut through the concentrated sugar bomb.

Mixability rating – 4/5

FINAL THOUGHTS

As a man who loves whiskey I can’t exactly recommend this weird concoction. But based on what’s happened before it’s only a matter of time before the racists at Knucklenoggin, LLC or whatever start paying TikTok influencers and Instagram meme accounts to showcase the stuff on their social media accounts. So get ready to see this everywhere in a predictable attempt to astroturf this into popularity with a bunch of dead-eyed frat kids online. When that happens just remember that it was The Motherfucking Classy Alcoholic who did it first.

Final rating – 2/5 normally but 3.5/5 if you don’t have people in your life who care about you.