I know you’re a drunk. Don’t worry, I’m not judging; I’m a drunk too. But if you’re like me you’re fast approaching the age of thirty and you can’t drink like you did in your early twenties without people thinking you’re an alcoholic. I know you used to spend every weekend at the bar getting hammered on cheap beer and plastic-bottle-vodka that could be overcome by your young, skinny body with little more than a couple hours of sleep and a fast food burrito. But that same behavior now will make people around you think you’re in need of an intervention. That’s why I’m here.
I’m here to show you that that the best way to overcome the stigma from such a disease is to disguise it…or to directly address the problem and attempt to overcome it but I’m not a fucking psychiatrist so let’s just forget about that. No, I’m not Coldplay and I’m not here to Fix You. I’m here to help you adjust your drinking lifestyle in a way that allows you to become a Classy Alcoholic like me and James Bond. The older you get the more you have to project confidence and self-control – two things that are not compatible with a hard drinking habit. But now you’ve graduated college and are trying to maintain a well-paying, grown-up job with the possibility of advancement.
Not to mention the fact that the hot party girls you used to have sex with in your early twenties also grew up into adult women who cry all the time because they desperately want someone to put a baby inside them. And of course you’re not going to put a baby inside them. You’re an irresponsible drunk! But you still want to have sex, right? And the closer you get to thirty the less likely you are to have girls your age try to bone you in a Denny’s bathroom at 3AM like they did in the good old days. It’s time to accept the fact that those days are far behind you…unless you still manage to introduce a couple of pushups into your life from time to time, which, let’s be honest, you clearly fucking don’t.
You don’t have to give up your heavy drinking, though. You just have to change what and where you drink. Don’t fool yourself – It will take a lot more disposable income. But it’ll be worth it when you realize you can still hold down a job and a relationship while still being able to drink yourself to sleep every night so you don’t have to bother thinking about how disappointed your parents are because you didn’t go to law school, you lazy drunk fuck.
The first, and most important, step is to do most of your drinking at your state’s local microbreweries and vineyards. Think about it this way: if you have a wine rack with one hundred bottles of locally-made wine you’ll seem like a classy guy. If you have a shelf with one hundred bottles of Miller Lite everyone is gonna think you have a serious problem. Not to mention that drinking locally-made shit allows you to tell people you’re a big supporter of your community’s independent businesses.
As I currently reside in Arizona this blog will document my visits to every single microbrewery and vineyard in the entire state. What differentiates this blog from, say, Yelp or some such shit is that I will be focusing my reviews on making you a classier, more discreet drunk. I hope to impart a knowledge of booze that is substantial enough to make your drinking seem more like a hobby than a crippling dependency while still being basic enough that you can instantly recall it when trying to impress the kinda-cute chick at work who likes to drink but doesn’t know of many interesting places to go and is nervous about ordering anything other than a Miller High Life at a bar because she doesn’t want to mispronounce something or look dumb and also you have the sneaking suspicion that she doesn’t have much in the way of a gag reflex.
This isn’t just a blog. It’s an adventure. The first entry goes up on Monday, December 1st. Join me.