Located at 370 Elgin Rd, Elgin, AZ 85611
Open 7 days per week 11a-5p
http://kiefjoshuavineyards.com

FADE IN:

EXT. ELGIN, AZ – DAY

Today we’re heading back to WINE COUNTRY. We’re revisiting the southern Arizona town of ELGIN on our way to KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS for another wine adventure. The sun shines brightly on this day but there’s enough of a summer breeze that it doesn’t feel miserably FUCKING HOT.

CLOSE ON an 89 GRAY HONDA ACCORD with BULLET HOLE STICKERS on the side and a WHITE BUMPER that is held on only by a CHAIN. The previous owners of the car clearly had a lot of SEX in it.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC, a barely-functioning alcoholic in his late 20s who is also DEVILISHLY HANDSOME, exits the car. He is impeccably dressed in a button-down shirt and necktie. He has AMAZING HAIR with slight hints of DARKNESS and SELF-LOATHING behind the eyes. LADIES love it. Especially if they have DADDY ISSUES.

He stands outside the KIEF-JOSHUA TASTING ROOM. It is a beautiful, two-story house.

CUT TO:

INT. KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS TASTING ROOM

The WINEMAKER is behind the bar, pouring.

WINEMAKER
Welcome to Kief-Joshua. We have eleven wines today. Four of them are white. A tasting is $8 for six samples and you can take home a souvenir wine glass with our logo on it. If you have your own wine glass it’s only $5.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
You can’t beat a deal like that. I’ll only be doing a tasting of reds today. Let me start with this thing called The Magdalena.

WINEMAKER
Good choice. We specialize in dry, full-bodied wines here. The Magdalena is 20% Cabernet Franc and 80% Barbera.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC doesn’t know what the hell BARBERA is but he doesn’t say anything to avoid looking DUMB. The WINEMAKER pours the first wine sample.

SUDDENLY the door to the tasting room opens and in walks an impossibly beautiful woman named EMMA, 26, with red hair that is obviously FAKE. She takes a seat at the bar next to THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC without noticing him. He is mesmerized and tries to do that thing where you rest your face on your hand and lean your elbow and body really far to the left to get as close as he can to her and get a better whiff of her perfume while pretending to be totally casual about it. It is CREEPY.

EMMA
(to the Winemaker, completely ignoring the handsome, well-dressed guy next to her for some reason)
Hi. Can I get a glass of the Magdalena please?

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
(way too eagerly)
Hey that’s what I’m drinking! Did you know this wine is 20% Cabernet Franc and 80% Barbera?
(lying)
I’m kind of a wine expert. Anyway, are you from around here?

The WINEMAKER pours EMMA the wine. She is instantly smitten with THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC and his charming awkwardness. Not to mention how he’s EXOTIC yet NON-THREATENING. Like a TOUCAN or something. Ladies love that too.

EMMA
I’m actually visiting from California. I thought I’d give Arizona wine country a visit. Sometimes it’s nice to get away from that overcrowded state and spend time in a town like this.
(sips wine)
Wow, this Magdalena is great. It’s got a strong, fruit taste that’s not overwhelming and a light tannic finish. I don’t like wines that overdo it on the tannins. It’s also got a slightly acidic, sour flavor. That definitely amplifies the taste. It’s pretty indicative of the Barbera grapes.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
You seem to be quite a wine expert yourself. I’m The Classy Alcoholic. I write a blog in which I review every single vineyard and microbrewery in Arizona. I’m the second most popular, Arizona-based internet celebrity. Right behind Grumpy Cat.

EMMA
I love Grumpy Cat! She and I were in a movie together last year. I played a loose-cannon LAPD homicide detective and she was the hardass Police Chief who told me she didn’t like my methods but, dammit, I got results. It made over $100 million.
(sheepishly)
I’m an actress, by the way. You’ve probably seen my movies. They’re very popular.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
Not unless they were based on books. I only watch movies that are based on books so I can then lie and tell people I’ve read that book.

WINEMAKER
Okay, your next wine sample is our Tempranillo.
(pours)

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
(sips)
This has a nice plum flavor to it. And it’s even more sour than the Magdalena. If you’re not a fan of acidic-tasting wines you may not like this but I think it’s great!

WINEMAKER
We have an Estate Tempranillo available too and it’s not as sour as the Tempranillo. The Estate is very fruity and almost crosses the line into the sweet category.

EMMA
I’m very impressed with this place. And I read that Arizona has been stockpiling water while California is suffering through their major shortage. Couple that with the lower cost of living in areas like this and I’m not sure why there hasn’t been a mass exodus of Californians coming here yet.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
Oh, we know it’s coming. A lot of the militia groups that used to patrol the southern Arizona border looking for Mexicans are already setting up camp out to the west. Just last week they caught a few illegal Californians hanging around Lake Havasu City asking the locals if there were any microbreweries in town that used paleo brewing recipes.

EMMA
Ugh, I tried the paleo diet for a bit but the price markup on woolly mammoth meat at L.A. farmers’ markets was bananas. Anyway, I really think Elgin and the surrounding area could be the perfect setting for the small, indie movie I’m writing.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
You’re going indie? It sounded to me like you only do major blockbusters.

EMMA
I did. But I’m 26 years old now. That’s basically retirement age for Hollywood starlets. My agent told me I’m officially too old to even be cast as an onscreen love interest for Kirk Douglas. He’s already hanging around public schools looking for a hot, young talent to be the next America’s Sweetheart. She’ll probably be some kind of ethnic. They’re due.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
Your job troubles are…not relatable at all. But it sounds like you need another drink.

The WINEMAKER pours a sample of the CABERNET FRANC wine. It has a strong FRUIT taste. It has a lot of CHERRY and even APPLE flavor. It also has a slightly SOUR, almost CITRUSY taste to it. It is DELICIOUS.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
(to Emma)
If you’re gonna film a movie here you should take a look at Kief-Joshua’s actual vineyards. There’s a patio out back and they have live music there every Saturday during the summer. And they even have food trucks on weekends.

CUT TO:

EXT. KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS PATIO – MOMENTS LATER

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC and EMMA walk the grounds behind the tasting room. It is very ROMANTIC. Not because there’s chemistry between them or anything but because they are a male and a female and this is a SCREENPLAY. They say hello to the SHEEP that are kept on the grounds. No, really, KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS has SHEEP that they use for weed control or something.

SHEEP
(sheepishly)
Baaaaa!

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
This has been the best wine adventure I’ve been on so far. Kief-Joshua makes some high quality wines. And…I also got to meet you. I’m glad you’re gonna be spending time out here while you’re directing your movie. It means I’ll get to see you pretty often.

EMMA
Oh. Ummm…no I’m not gonna direct. I’m just writing the movie. I’d like to direct someday but I don’t have the experience yet. I’m actually heading back to California today.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
But you’re starring in the movie, right?

EMMA
No, I told you, I’m too old for any more starring roles according to Hollywood culture. My best bet for a career resurgence is to write scripts for Michael Bay movies for the next decade or so while taking on supporting roles playing middle-aged housewives for an endless stream of tortured, crooked businessmen characters who desperately want to give up their criminal ties and start legit businesses but every time they think they’re out…they get pulled back in. And then my goal is to eventually take over for Kathryn Bigelow as the only female director in Hollywood once she dies.
(after a pause)
But you could come back to L.A. with me. You’re clearly a talented writer since your blog is so immensely popular. And you’re still under 30! Have you ever thought about acting? You could play a high school student for the next fifteen years if you wanted. I just wrote the screenplay for a sex romp comedy called Balls Out High. Jack Nicholson is already signed on to play the school’s football captain who gets into all kinds of sexy hijinks. You can play his ethnic sidekick!

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC is SAD that EMMA will not be staying in ARIZONA. He looks out at the ELGIN LANDSCAPE while he sips a glass of KIEF-JOSHUA’S MOURVEDRE WINE. It is another fruit-forward wine with a slightly SOUR undertone and hints of VANILLA. The flavors are very complex but it’s still a smooth-drinking wine.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
I can’t leave Arizona. The wine and craft beer industry here depend on me and my super popular blog that literally every Arizonan has heard of. Besides, there are too many goddamn microbreweries in California and a lot of that shit is way overrated. Not to mention the fact that the entire state is on its way to becoming a dry, desolate, Mad Max-style hellscape.

EMMA
I understand.

A single TEAR rolls down EMMA’S cheek. Like she PRACTICED IT or something.

Here, have this last taste of wine. It’s Kief-Joshua’s Zinfandel. It tastes like plum and sour cherry. It was aged in French Oak which gives it a strong vanilla flavor and aroma. It’s sweet. Like you.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
Will I ever see you again?

EMMA
I hope so. I’m just in a very tenuous part of my career right now. I have to bounce back after having made some missteps in my movie choices by starring in some pretty terrible stuff like The Amazing Spiderman and especially The Amazing Spiderman 2. If you ever want to expand your writing skills you should try your hand at a screenplay. Maybe you can write something I’d want to star in.

THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC
I think I can manage that.

EMMA walks out of KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS and drives onto the ELGIN road. THE CLASSY ALCOHOLIC is left alone on the outside patio taking in the summer breeze. He looks back at KIEF-JOSHUA and is glad to have visited. Their WINE is excellent, their TASTING ROOM is beautiful and he decides to take home a bottle of THE MAGDALENA.

He walks away in SLOW-MOTION while a COLDPLAY SONG plays in the background, but maybe a slower, acoustic version sung by a female folk singer. Those seem to be popular these days.

FADE OUT.

Salud.