I hate food. Food is a waste of perfectly good money that could be spent on more drinks. But somehow our stupid bodies need it so we don’t die, which is stupid. Luckily I’ve found a few dive bars in Tucson that serve really good meals for super cheap so you can soak up enough booze to stay alive and then drink more afterward. These are the best deals for your money that I’ve found so far.

Just a disclaimer, the pictures I took of my food all look terrible because they were taken in places where the lighting really sucks. Also there’s no guarantee that you won’t get stabbed at one of these joints and I’m not responsible for any deaths that might occur from your drunk ass walking in there. Okay, cool, let’s do this!

Wooden Nickel Tavern

Located at 1908 S Country Club Rd, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open 7 days a week, 11a-2a
http://woodennickeltucson.com

The Wooden Nickel’s menu has a ton of good burgers, subs and sandwiches as well as typical bar appetizers like nachos, onion rings and potato skins. But their best food deal happens on Wing Wednesday. They used to sell wings for only 50 cents apiece but due to inflation or whatever they’ve had to raise the price to 75 each. Don’t hold it against them, though. The wings are really meaty and there are several flavors that you can mix and match in your order. Normally when you go to a place with cheap wing specials they only give you the tiniest pieces of the shitty baby chickens that were too stupid to keep from slipping into their bigass water pail and weren’t strong enough to crawl back out.

But these thick wings are clearly from the alpha chickens. If my meal was allowed to live these chickens could easily win at the cockfights that my Cousin Chico hosts in a shed in his backyard in South Tucson every weekend. Keep in mind that they limit the number of wings to ten per order. But that’s enough to fill up even my fatass so I’m sure you’ll leave satisfied as well.

And because this is primarily a booze blog I wanna make sure you know that they have the Barrio Blonde on tap. So you can still support your local Tucson craft beer community while eating here.

Nevada Smith’s Saloon

Located at 1175 W Miracle Mile, Tucson, AZ 85705
Open Mon-Thurs 10a-12a; Fri-Sun 10a-2a
https://nevadasmithssaloon.com

The menu at Nevada Smith’s is ridiculous. This cool bar is located on Miracle Mile, the small stretch of road that used to be stamping grounds for all the cheapest Tucson hookers before someone built a bigass police station right in the middle of it because cops don’t want any of us to have nice shit.

Nevada Smith’s has a different food special every night of the week. These include every cut of steak you could possibly want as well as cheap burgers, wings and even a 50 cent taco bar on Sundays so you can offset that miserable hangover I know you’re gonna have.

I went down there on a Friday, which is the night they have an all you can eat fish fry for only $6. Yes, you read that right. Six measly dollars for a plate of three hefty fried fish pieces and fries on the side. And it’s all you can eat.  Six dollars! That’s not even money!

I’ve been on dates to fancy ass restaurants where six bucks is the price of a baked potato on the side for a shitty steak that costs, like, forty dollars. I went to a grocery store once. A giant bag of potatoes was three bucks with tax included. If you wanna charge me for labor then maybe add an extra dollar for when you mash them? But a baked potato? All you’re doing is putting it inside that robot machine that makes it hot, you pretentious chef assholes.

I can get a 22oz Porterhouse steak (with baked potato INCLUDED) on Thursdays at Nevada Smith’s for $17. If that’s not fancy enough for your date then you know you made a mistake with that person and that you’ll be better off just staying single and sad and drunk.

Unfortunately there’s no craft beer on tap at Nevada Smith’s but they have a decent selection of canned craft stuff. I had a Dragoon IPA that paired perfectly with my fish basket.

Curves Cabaret

Located at 2130 N Oracle, Tucson, AZ 8570
Open 7 days a week, 11:30a-2a
http://curvescabaret.com

I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself right now, “Classy, you dick, this is supposed to be a blog post about affordable food in Tucson. Obviously super successful guys like you who are handsome and charming and have amazing hair can afford to go to gentleman’s clubs like Curves but my broke ass can’t get in there without breaking the bank!”

That’s what you would think, sweet reader. But you clearly aren’t aware that Curves doesn’t charge a cover before 6pm or after midnight. They also have two-for-one drink specials on wells and drafts up until 7pm. And yes, our old faithful Barrio Blonde is on tap here.

But more importantly, their food deals are unlike anything else you’ll find in town. A burger with a side of fries will only run you $4.50! And they have 25 cent wings all day, every day with NO LIMIT. How is this even possible?

Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to share the pictures I took inside the bar because I would be risking getting my legs busted by the bouncers who already aren’t very happy with me but I assure you, my meal looked great.

It seems like it couldn’t possibly get better, right? Well you’re wrong because on Fridays Curves sells 99 cent burgers from 11a to 7p. And on Friday and Saturday nights at midnight they have a free taco bar! Have you ever had a full, soggy plate stacked high with free titty bar tacos while hammered inside the champagne room? (And by “champagne room” I mean the handicap stall in the men’s bathroom?) Because it’s the most luxurious feeling in the world.

Not to brag but the ladies at Curves love The Classy Alcoholic. I would share the picture of my most recent visit there this past weekend when three of their lovely female employees danced for me while chunks of free taco meat flew all over the walls of their VIP section in the back but, well…you know: