Author: The Classy Alcoholic

Classy Invades Terrestrial Radio

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

This Saturday, 9/23, I’ll be on terrestrial radio as the celebrity co-host of a show in Tucson called “On The Menu…Live!” from 5p-6p. I’ll be talking about Arizona booze and food while desperately trying to avoid an FCC fine! Listen in to what could either be a really fun hour or the event that literally bankrupts me into oblivion if I can’t keep from discussing my genitals on the air.

For my younger readers: you know that thing in your car that you hook up your aux cord or Bluetooth to so you can listen to podcasts from your phone? Well that thing should also have a little knob that you can spin to hear music or other people’s voices jabbering about all kinds of horseshit. Turn one of those knobs to 104.1 FM KQTH, Tucson’s News and Talk on Saturday, 9/23 at 5pm to listen me drunkenly try to spew coherent sentences into an expensive microphone.

If you don’t have a radio or if you’re not in Tucson you can still hear me embarrass myself live by streaming the show on their website: OnTheMenuLive.com

How could anyone think I’d be a good fit for a public radio broadcast? I don’t know, I’m just as confused as you are!

Classy v. Tapthat: Dawn of Fatness

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must decide just how fat he is willing to be. In this life you either die a John Belushi or you live long enough to see yourself become Jim Belushi. As a heavy drinker who hates being alive I’ve basically decided that working on myself isn’t worth it and it would be nice to just kinda die in my sleep one night whenever.

Or at least that’s what I felt until I was called out by a fellow fat man who had the balls to challenge me. There’s a fairly new podcast out there called Tap That AZ. Each episode highlights a brewery or major player in the AZ beer scene. I was even a guest on the show myself. The host, Eric Tapthat (or whatever) is a nice guy who’s looking to drop some weight. The two of us met up with Justin Cross to join his Brewtrition workout plan. It’s a fitness plan for beer drinkers created because Justin believes you can drink beer and be in great shape as long as you earn your booze.

As of today Eric Tapthat and I will be competing with each other to reach our respective weight loss goals by Wednesday, November 22nd, the day before Thanksgiving. Because we’re gonna celebrate our achievements by stuffing our fat faces full of turkey.

We’ll be posting updates of our progress throughout our social media pages and I’ll be adding write ups right here on my blog. Here are our stats so you know where we’re starting: 

The Classy Alcoholic
  
Age: 31

Height: 5’9” (5’10” on a good day)

Weight (w/clothes): 194lbs

Weight (naked and drunk): 189lbs

Waist line: 39.5inches

Neck line: 18inches

Advantages: Used to be skinny. Got laid a lot. Misses it.

Obstacles: Lost the will to live years ago
Eric Tapthat

 
Age: 38

Height: 6’3”

Weight: 290lbs

Waist line: 44

Chest: 52inches

Neck: 19inches

Advantages: Actually cares whether he lives or dies

Obstacles: Chicken
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for updates throughout the next 10 weeks or so as The Classy Alcoholic does what he never thought he would do and engage in some minimal form of physical exercise. Watch as two fat guys slowly make minimal gains that sober people who eat veggies make pretty much every time they take a dump.

The Classy Alcoholic Goes Global

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

The Classy Alcoholic is about to go on his first international adventure. For pretty much the rest of August 2017 I will be roaming and drinking throughout Tokyo and other places in Japan. There is a legitimate chance that I will be blown up by North Korea while I’m there so it’s my goal to be drunk enough throughout the entire trip that I don’t feel the nuclear blast rippping the meat off of my skeleton, Sarah Connor style!

I probably won’t be using this blog space too much until I get back so if you wanna follow along on my foreign booze adventures you should follow me on my various social media platforms.

Like my Facebook Page here. I’ll be posting pictures and drunken ramblings there.

Follow me on Instagram: I’ll also be posting pictures and a bunch of stupid hashtags there.

Follow me on Twitter: I just started a Twitter acccount. My handle is @brownanddrunk. This is probably the best place to keep up with my travels because it’s the best platform for quick pics and observations on the spot while I’m out in the land of Sake and Godzilla.

I’m like Anthony Bourdain, minus heroin, plus sadness! 

Beercentennial Man – The Final Chapter

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Beercentennial Man, Marana, Microbrewery, Southern Arizona

Button Brewhouse – Marana, AZ
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Marana, AZ 85741
Opening date TBD
button.beer

The 4th and final chapter of my story, “Beercentennial Man.” Read Part 1 here, Part 2 here and Part 3 here.

I arrived in Marana, a town just northwest of Tucson to find the Button Brewhouse building. Construction on the place was well underway when I arrived. The patio was fully built and the sign was hanging on the front, ready for the brewery’s opening sometime in 2017.

I knew my pal Mr. Button was inside, held hostage in his own brewery by ClassyBot, a liquid metal cyborg who looked exactly like me and wanted me dead so he could take my place. I walked into the unfinished brewery, ready for anything.

Button1.JPG

The brewing equipment in the back was all fully installed but the taproom still needed some work. I walked past a large pile of old appliances that were ready to be thrown out. There was a stove, some cracked microwaves, toasters, broken laptops, a couple of busted up kegerators on wheels and a bunch of other crap. I figured it must’ve been stuff from the previous tenant in the building.

Continue reading →

Beercentennial Man – Part 3

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Beercentennial Man, Microbrewery, Southern Arizona, Tucson

Dillinger Brewing Company – Tucson, AZ
Located at 3895 N Oracle Rd, Tucson, AZ 85705
Open Mon-Thurs 2p-9p; Fri 2p-11p; Sat 11a-11p; Sun 2p-9p
http://dillingerbrewing.com

Part 3 of a 4-Part story. Read Part 1 here. Read Part 2 here.

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Bryan Raney who passed away on 7/22/2017. He was a homebrewer from California and was a big supporter of my blog. He was known as Fighting Robot Brewing on Instagram. His family’s GoFundMe page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/bryan-sid-raney-memorial-fund

Dillinger9.JPG

I ran into Dillinger Brewing Company’s taproom practically carrying my pal, Mr. Button. He was in bad shape after he saved my life by diving in front of a bolt of lightning shot out of the hand of a cyborg named ClassyBot that was engineered to look like me and had my memories and personality installed in his CPU. Seriously, if you didn’t get on board with the story when it first started you probably shouldn’t even be reading this shit right now.

The brewery was a little hard to find. It was tucked away off the main road down a row of storage facilities behind a pawnshop in the methy side of Tucson. I knew that one of Dillinger’s owners, Eric Sipe, would be able to help Button. The two of them were friends and they even collaborated on a coffee Pale Ale beer called “Early Brew Special.” Before he opened the brewery Sipe spent some time roaming through the U.S. and I’ve heard stories about his ability to survive in rugged conditions. I just hoped that at least some of them were true.

Continue reading →

Beercentennial Man – Part 2

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Beercentennial Man, Food, Southern Arizona, Tucson, Wine

Serial Grillers Restaurant & Taproom – Tucson, AZ
Located at 5737 E Speedway Blvd, Tucson, AZ 85715
Second location at 1970 W River Rd, Tucson, AZ 85704
Open Sun-Thurs 11a-9p; Fri & Sat 11a-10p
http://www.serialgrillersaz.com

Part 2 of a 4-Part story. Read Part 1 here.

image

Serial Grillers is a Tucson-based restaurant that began as a food truck in 2012 serving cheesesteaks and burgers named after horror movie serial killers. A brick and mortar location opened in 2013 in midtown Tucson. The business was successful enough that in January of 2017 a second location opened on the Northwest side of town. The place was a regular haunt of mine, not just because they make excellent food but also because they serve exclusively craft beer at both locations. You won’t find any Bud Light on tap and their selection changes every time I go in there.

I walked in to the restaurant expecting to meet my pal, Mr. Button. Or rather: “Mr. Button.” I came straight from AZ Beer House where I defeated a robot that was engineered to look like him. It’s been that kinda day.

Continue reading →

Beercentennial Man – Part 1

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Beercentennial Man, Bottle Shop, Southern Arizona, Tucson, Wine

Part 1 of a 4-Part story.

Arizona Beer House – Tucson, AZ
Located at 150 S Kolb Rd, Tucson, AZ 85710
Open Mon-Weds 2p-10p; Thurs-Sat 12p-12a; Sun 11a-10p
http://www.arizonabeerhouse.com

unnamed

AZ Beer House is a taproom on the east side of Tucson that’s been open just under two years. With 34 taps and hundreds of bottles that you can drink on site or take home it was a place I tried to visit as often as I could.

The guy behind the bar was my buddy Derrick, a fellow beer blogger who started his own beer review site recently because he was inspired by the amazing success I’ve had. He was very excited to tell me that his new pseudonym was “Arizona Brew-Ru.”

“Wait,” I said, “is that a play on ‘Boo-Hoo’? Like, you’re Arizona Boo-Hoo but for beer?”

“No. What? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s like ‘guru.’ You know…Brew Guru?”

“Oh. I would’ve gone with Arizona Gurew.”

“Shit. That’s actually way better.”

I sipped my beer as I waited for my pal Mr. Button. The last time I saw him he and I saved the majority of Arizona’s craft beer from destruction by a beer terrorist. It was documented in my story called The Drunk Knight, in case you’re curious how we did that.

Continue reading →

#vote4classy for Best Of Tucson 2017

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

The Classy Alcoholic loves Tucson. And even more so today because I just found out I’m a finalist in the Tucson Weekly newspaper’s annual “Best Of Tucson” list. I’m up for Best Blog and it’s all thanks to my beloved beer and wine family! For those of y’all who had to Google or Bing or Ask Jeeves who the hell I am because you had no idea this blog even existed, I’d like to welcome you to my little corner of the internet!

I’m an Arizona-based beer and wine blogger who writes reviews of vineyards and microbreweries with a comedic twist. (By which I mean, I write lots of dick jokes.)

I split up my reviews by region so start out by reading my entires on Southern Arizona Breweries.

My specialty, though, is hilarious and absurd short stories that take place at real locations throughout Arizona and feature real people from the AZ craft beer scene.

I wrote a short story called “The Drunk Knight” that starts in Tucson and continues north throughout the state. Read it here! This story features a guest appearance from my pal Todd Button who is planning on opening his own microbrewery called Button Brewhouse in Tucson this summer.

Next, check out my favorite story that I’ve ever written called “Flux.” Click here to read! This takes place entirely in Tucson and features my pals from Harbottle Brewing Company (formerly known as Flux Brewing Company) as well as other friends from the Tucson beer scene.

The Classy Alcoholic strongly believes in supporting local Arizona businesses whenever he can. So go to tinyurl.com/vote4classy to cast your vote for my blog.

And for those of you who already know who I am, I thank you for your support from the bottom of my fat, drunk heart.

Salud!

Tombstone Brewing Company – Tombstone, AZ

The Classy Alcoholic A Better Life, Beer, Microbrewery, Tombstone

Located at 107 E Toughnut St, Tombstone, AZ 85638
Open Sun-Sat 11a-7p
https://tombstone.beer

Part 3 of a 3-part series called “A Better Life.” Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

The Classy Alcoholic had reached the end of the line. I traveled through half the state of Arizona looking for a way to improve my lifestyle while still maintaining my dedication to craft beer. But like a pet hamster trying to escape a closed fanny pack I came up against nothing but barriers. I met a fitness enthusiast and a cycling enthusiast who were both happy to take me under their respective wings but I knew that their paths weren’t for me. So I went south toward Tombstone, a place commonly referred to as “The Town Too Tough To Die.” I was looking for somewhere to bury my ambitions deeper than the pet hamster that accidentally got trapped in my fanny pack. I figured this might as well be the place.

Tombstone22.JPG

Tombstone Brewing Company opened in February of 2017 and in the short time they’ve been around they’ve developed a stellar reputation for making great beer. Their brewer is well studied with lots of experience in the industry and even a few awards under his belt. I almost felt like this place was too good for the likes of me. It was like walking in to a Macy’s when their stuff wasn’t on clearance.

Continue reading →

Catalina Brewing Company – Tucson, AZ

The Classy Alcoholic A Better Life, Beer, Microbrewery, Tucson

Located at 6918 N Camino Martin #120, Tucson, AZ 85741
Open Weds & Thurs 4-9p; Fri 4p-10p; Sat 12p-10p; Sun 11a-5p
http://www.catalinabrewingco.com

Part 2 of a 3-part series called “A Better Life.” Read Part 1 here.

I had left the town of Goodyear (a suburb of the Greater Phoenix area) and made my way south toward Tucson. I was feeling lost, still trying to find that different lifestyle that would speak to me and help me make some positive changes while still allowing me to drink lots and lots of booze. Luckily the Arizona craft beer scene was always willing to help.

I reached out to my Tucson fan base and ended up communicating with a young lady named Marisol who said she was willing to share her healthy, active lifestyle with me…and also she promised that it still involved beer. She asked if I could meet her at Catalina Brewing Company in the Northwest side of town.

Catalina1.JPG

I walked into Catalina’s taproom and was immediately intimidated by the bicycle theme decorating the walls. Even the goddamn tap handles were made out of spare bike parts that I couldn’t name because I hadn’t been on a bicycle since I had to race through the Sonoran desert in my early 20’s dodging Border Patrol bullets just so I could smuggle my mom’s medicinal meth into the United States. (It was medicinal because my mom’s heart rate was super low after the Quaalude OD and she needed a pick-me-up.)

Continue reading →