I haven’t written anything for my blog in months now. I’ve been quietly working on a long-form project that’s sucked up pretty much every drop of my creative juices. And it’s been bothering me that I haven’t kept up with what I intended to do when I started this Classy Alcoholic project. I’m grateful for the relationships I’ve fostered in the craft beer scene and for all the events I’ve been lucky enough to go to over the last three years. But that’s not why I’m me. My blog was always supposed to be an outlet for a frustrated guy staring down the barrel of his thirties who was unhappy with how much time he spent away from writing creatively. And it’s been bothering me that I’ve spent so long being quiet.
I recently I plugged an old external hard drive into my computer and pulled out hundreds of songs that I collected from the last decade or so. I’ve been using them as inspiration for the current writing project that I’m not ready to reveal yet. But I’m feeling the need to share what’s going through my head as I revisit these tracks and revisit the state of mind I was in back in my early-to-mid-twenties. I’m digging out these old experiences and repurposing them for my new stories. And I’m a bit insecure about whether my followers would even give a flying shit about any of this…but fuck it. I’m going for it.
So I’m gonna make Classy’s Jukebox a recurring segment here. I’ll share a song and a snapshot of what I’m feeling as I try to finish this project. These posts will be a bit more serious than what you’re used to from me. But I’m at a point where I’m trying to bridge the gap between the (intentionally) ridiculous character I’ve created and the real person behind the cartoon. So let’s just drive right in.
A few years ago I had back-to-back affairs with two different married women. These relationships didn’t overlap. The first one was off and on over the course of a full year. It ended after this woman stopped contacting me entirely. Despite knowing better I had gotten attached. And she did too. But she made the decision to walk away even though I wasn’t ready to let her go.
A few months after that happened I entered into the second affair. And that one ended horribly. The breakup was so bad that I fell into a deep depression for months. I could barely get out of bed. Despite knowing better I had gotten attached. And she did too. But she made the decision to walk away even though I wasn’t ready to let her go.
Amazingly, both these back-to-back married women had the exact same fucking first name. If the universe wanted to give me a sign that I shouldn’t make the same mistake I couldn’t imagine a better scenario.
But ultimately I dove in headfirst because I don’t have a negative view of infidelity. I’m very cynical when it comes to commitment. Especially a marriage. To try and stay committed to the same person until literal death does them part ends up with both people working hard to stay unhappy. Especially when it’s a relationship in your twenties or thirties…considering we’re in the era where people can live to be ninety years old.
Most of my relationships and casual hookups have been with married women. And I feel no shame over it. They’ve come and gone for years. But I was still heartbroken when these two women walked away.
Which brings us to our song of the night. Yuna is a Malaysian singer whom I got a chance to see perform live several years ago. This rediscovered song reminds me of those two married women. It reminds me of how stupid I feel for getting attached. It reminds me of how good I am at making bad decisions. It reminds me of how I knew that I knew better. It reminds me of how I felt tossed aside…like I was nobody. And it especially reminds me of how hard I fought to avoid being a nobody to these women. Even after I knew there was nothing left for me to do.
“Decorate” has one of the most heartbreaking lines I’ve ever heard in any song.
“I decorate my house with things you love
Just in case you show up.”
Even though I may not have done that literally I’ve still decorated so many aspects of my daily life just in case those women showed up. And the writing project I’m working on now will include elements of the many affairs I’ve had over the years amongst all the dumb jokes about dicks and butts. My output will still be primarily comedic, of course. But if you stick around you’ll realize that my jokes aren’t just nonsense. They also come from some real shit.