Summertime in the desert means I get to enjoy my favorite activity: getting irresponsibly drunk in public places where other people aren’t allowed to talk to me. I got ridiculously lit in a monastery last week and none of those dudes in hoodies could yell at me to quit drinking so much and to put my pants back on.
Which is also why I enjoy going to the movies, especially now that I have several theaters in close proximity that serve alcohol. These joints are starting to understand that most movies are garbage and that the only things that could make them better are copious amounts of booze or Clive Owen.
I bought my ticket to a 2:30pm showing of Jurassic Park 5: Jurassic World 2: Fallen Kingdom. It was on Senior Monday which was fitting because I ended up sitting next to a guy so old he looked like he went to high school with a fuckin’ T-Rex.
I approached the movie theater bar, already drunk, trying to do my best to appear sober enough to not be denied a beer. They had Lagunitas IPA and Tucson’s Barrio Blonde on tap. “Lagunitas” seemed like it would get all slurred to hell. “Luhhhgunitushhhh,” probably.
I went with Barrio because I know I just end up rolling the R’s really hard on that one after I’ve had a few. The lady serving the beer in turn rolled her eyes when I asked for “Barrrrrrrio” but she just figured I was a pretentious asshole instead of plastered. Success!
I sat with my 24 ounce beer in a packed theater that smelled of old people popcorn farts just as the trailers started.
2:30PM – 2:50PM: Trailers included some awful looking Robin Hood movie, a Die Hard rip-off starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and an animated Grinch movie that all of you parents of shitty babies will be stuck watching on repeat in a few months. Let me know which I should drunkenly review next.
SPOILERS from here on out, y’all.
The movie starts at the ruins of the Jurassic World park with two dudes in an underwater James Cameron bubble ship looking for the bones of the Indominus Rex dinosaur from the last movie. They saw a horn off of the skeleton and have it lifted onto a helicopter for transport to a lab to be ground up into powder then sold to rich white guys on safari who will snort it hoping it gives them raging dino-boners.
Most of these dudes get eaten by a T-Rex, of course, but the helicopter successfully escapes with the dino boner horn.
News footage quickly and lazily sets up the plot of the movie. The dinosaur island where the park was has an active volcano that is gonna erupt and wipe out all of the dinosaurs that were left behind. Jeff Goldblum shows up for, like, literally 180 seconds to testify to Congress that the dinosaurs should be left to die because Goldblum is sick and tired of almost getting his shit eaten by giant lizard clone monsters. He’s sporting a full salt and pepper beard and, while he is now considerably older, he is still hot as fuck.
Bryce Ronald Howard is now a dino rights activist who wants to get politicians to fund a rescue mission for these creatures that ate most of her co-workers and nearly murdered her. She has two lackeys with her: a female dinosaur veterinarian who is a mouthy tough girl with an attitude and a skinny IT guy who is a coward and is brown. The movie seems to think that the fidgety brown coward’s constant complaining and shrieks at the sight of scary dinosaurs is hilarious. The movie is wrong.
Nobody gives a damn about Bryce’s crusade because they saw the last four movies but she gets a call from the estate of James Cromwell who plays a guy who worked alongside John Hammond to create the dinosaur clones and just, like, wasn’t mentioned ever in the last two decades of movies. But he was there from the beginning. And he has a weasel-y assistant who most certainly won’t end up being evil. And he has a precocious British granddaughter who is ten years old or fifteen or five, I don’t know how kid ages work. The kid’s mother died. This will not be important later at all.
Cromwell’s Weasel tells Bryce to go back to the island (“WE HAVE TO GO BACK!”) with a team of armed mercenaries so she can activate a tracking system to find some leftover dino species and transport them to a safe location without tourists or any human interference…for the children. Seriously, this is what gets her to go back. She wants to save dinosaurs so children can grow up in a world where dinosaurs still live instead of growing up in a world with truly important shit like clean air and good schools and a non-shitty Clive Owen movie. Also The Weasel wants her to rescue Blue, the Velociraptor puppy that Chris Pratt domesticated last movie, but Bryce is the only one who can convince Pratt to go to the island with her because they used to bone.
3:08PM – Chris Pratt shows up to the movie. The old lady private parts in the theater actually start paying attention because Pratt is still a dreamboat despite the fact that these two movies and that Passengers garbage solidified his status as the lesser Chris, below Evans, Hemsworth, Pine and Brown. In that order.
Bryce and Lesser Chris meet in a bar where the camera lingers on a lamp with a massive BUDWEISER LOGO above a pool table because fuck you, movie. The two broke up for a really dumb reason that doesn’t matter and Lesser Chris agrees to go to the island only because Bryce is still super hot. Also that raptor doggo maybe.
They fly out with Sassy Vet Girl and Techie Brown Coward, who don’t matter. Once they get to the island they meet Motherfucking Ted Levine. Buffalo Bill himself is the head of the mercenary team that is tasked with safely capturing Blue the Raptor Rottweiler. He does so and immediately shoots Least of the Chrises in the chest with a tranq gun because of course he’s a bad guy because he’s goddamn BUFFALO BILL, you idiots. His team loads a bunch of the dinos onto a ship.
The volcano on the island erupts and the dinosaurs stampede as Poor Man’s Chris tries to fight through the tranquilizer in the stupidest part of the movie. He flails his limbs like an epileptic squid while lava flows mere inches away from his beautiful face and he rolls his limp body out of the way in a sequence so slapsticky, Jim Carrey completely destroyed the buttons on his house phone with his rage boner while trying to get his lawyers on the line.
3:22PM – 3:57PM: Bathroom break
When I got back the dinosaurs that were loaded onto the ship by Buffalo Bill were being unloaded onto James Cromwell’s northern California mansion. So I guess I didn’t miss much.
Turns out Cromwell’s Weasel is a bad guy who captured dinosaurs so he could auction them off to international businessmen and Russian terrorists who want to either hunt these things for sport or use them on battlefields. Also he suffocates James Cromwell under a pillow. Also he paid B.D. Wong from the first and last Jurassic Movie (and Law & Order SVU) to create a new dinosaur called IndoRaptor out of the DNA milked from the dino boner horn of the Indominus Rex at the beginning of the movie. So the IndoRaptor is a vicious creature made from splicing together the Indominus Rex and a raptor, even though the Indominus Rex was already part raptor but whatever, this movie is stupid, I’m drunk.
The IndoRaptor goes up for auction and the Russians lose their shit and spend millions on it. Poor Man’s Chris releases a Headbutt-o-saur that starts knocking people across the room like it’s a bull in Pamplona. The people in the mansion evacuate but Buffalo Bill walks in to the room with the IndoRaptor cage in the stupidest part of the movie. He tranquilizes the thing and opens the cage to walk inside. The theater literally groaned at how fucking dumb this was. Buffalo Bill tries to yank an IndoRaptor’s tooth out of its mouth for his necklace. The IndoRaptor legit smirks at the camera while this is happening. A fucking cartoon dinosaur seriously smirks and I’m so happy Jim Henson isn’t alive to see this shit.
To be fair, Buffalo Bill gets torn up in spectacular fashion. IndoRaptor rips his arm right off of his body and eats his stupid head like a grape. Would you tranq me? I’d tranq me. I’d tranq me so hard.
Meanwhile Bryce Ronald Howard, The Passion of The Chris, and Cromwell’s granddaughter meet up and get chased by IndoRaptor. They hide behind a tiny podium and the IndoRaptor has no idea where they are. Even though a genetically enhanced predator like this would be able to smell these sweaty assholes from miles away. Seriously, maybe it’s because Bryce Ronald Howard is the second whitest female in the world after Venus de Milo but she is straight up glistening in these movies. She looks like a water balloon got covered in olive oil.
And there’s one more ridiculous thing about Cromwell’s granddaughter that should be noted because it’s the stupidest part of the movie. The Weasel tells Bryce and “Alas Poor Chris I Knew Him Well” that the precocious granddaughter is actually a clone of Cromwell’s dead daughter. Cromwell never had a granddaughter. He only had a daughter. And she died. And Cromwell cloned her. There is a fucking CHILD CLONE in my dinosaur movie! And this doesn’t come up again. There is literally a fully functioning Clone Baby that can pass the Turing test and it gets completely ignored after this scene.
So the IndoRaptor chases after Baby Fett the Clone Bounty Hunter in an attempt to eat her. But then Blue the Taco Bell Chihuahua Raptor fights the IndoRaptor and kills it before it can get A Snack Of The Clones. The Weasel also gets eaten to death by a T-Rex. That’ll do Weasel. That’ll do.
The Sassy Vet and the Skinny Coward that everyone forgot about are in the basement where the rest of the dinos are held and the room is filling up with poison liquid nitrogen or whatever that’s gonna kill them all. Bryce opens the dino cages and is about to open the door to the outside world so that the dinosaurs can escape into the northern California forest. But she can’t do it. Except Baby Fett played by Clone Trooper Temuera Morrison unlocks the door herself…because she sympathizes with the dinosaur clones because she is a clone herself. There is a CLONE BABY in this movie, y’all!
4:50PM: So the movie ends with dinosaurs roaming free in the northern California woods. And Goldblum comes back for another 180 seconds to talk all kinds of nonsense some more. And “Whatever You Did For The Least Of These Chrises You Did For Me” drives a car with Bryce and The Clone Baby in the backseat. Because they’re going to raise her together maybe? I mean, that’s cool and all but does this Clone Baby have a Social Security number? What happens when the Clone Teenager wants to get a driver’s license? Is she even on the grid? You can’t enroll in school if you technically don’t exist.
I’ve now watched five movies about what would happen if we cloned prehistoric lizard monsters…and I straight up don’t give a shit anymore. I’d rather find out what happens when we take dinosaur cloning technology and use it to clone a dead British lady into a precocious British baby.
Is that British Clone Baby part raptor?
Ugh, this movie is fucking stupid.