Author: The Classy Alcoholic

4 Bars That Are Bars In Tucson

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

I’ve recently been told that my blog posts are too long. And that dumb-dumbs prefer short articles that are just a list of places and things. That’s how to get maximum social media exposure. So here is a list of 4 bars that are bars in Tucson, AZ.

1. World Famous Golden Nugget Tavern

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This is a bar-ass bar. The kind of place that you walk into and think to yourself, “Holy fucking shit, I’m in a bar.” The Golden Nugget has everything: Beer, liquor, a bar. It’s practically the perfect dive. People of all ages, races and physical disabilities come here and feel like home, as long as their home is a bar. If you’re looking for a place with pool tables, a jukebox, bathrooms for men and women, and an area where you can sit to order drinks and then drink them, then this place is definitely a bar.

2. Brodie’s Tavern

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Brodie’s is one of the very few gay bars currently in Tucson, yes. But it is also a bar. Which means they will sell you booze even if you are not gay, which is great for me because while I fully support gay rights and the gay community, I am also a straight dude who bangs hot straight ladies and also likes to drink in bars. If you’re looking for one of those (a bar) then Brodie’s is the place to be. They even have a patio where you can drink drinks. Now that’s what I call a bar.

3. The Shelter Cocktail Lounge

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The Shelter is a bar that’s so dark inside at any hour of the day, when you walk in you don’t know if you’re going to get murdered or if you’re going to have a great time at a bar. But you know it’s going to be at least one of those. The retro look and the velvety portraits on the wall give this place a really cool atmosphere that makes you want to have drinks, which you can absolutely do here because this place is a bar. They have a variety of infused vodkas which can be mixed into drinks and also beers on tap. That’s the kind of place I’m looking for when I want to go to a bar. Share this article on Facebook, you fucking assholes.

4. Bay Horse Tavern

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This bar is known for having a bigass chair in it. Like, an oversized wooden chair you can sit in to take pictures. It’s pretty cool, unless you’ve been drinking and fall off of it and land on your fat fucking face like I may or may not have in the past. But let’s not talk about that because this is not actually an article about 4 bars where I’ve fallen on the floor and landed on my fat fucking face. This is an article about bars and The Bay Horse has enough things going for it to qualify for a spot on this prestigious list.

Oh, full disclosure, all of these bars are currently closed due to the pandemic. But at least you know where there are bars?

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Borderlands Reopens For Business

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Brewery, Food, Food Truck, Microbrewery, Tucson

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After small business owners and employees who have been laid off due to the state shutdown there’s no one more conflicted about bars reopening than me. It’s not because I don’t have easy access to booze. I’ve been doing plenty of sad drinking alone at home thanks to breweries still having to-go sales. And I’ve made a name for myself by supporting all the producers of Arizona’s beer, wine, and spirits with the full force of my wallet and liver for years. So during this global pandemic I’ve been struggling to determine if I should be encouraging people to visit the few local businesses that are open and if I should even be patronizing these joints myself.

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On Wednesday, July 29, Borderlands Brewing Co reopened their taproom to allow onsite drinking (after four months of being partially closed, offering to-go and delivery options only) with strict safety protocols that are undoubtedly a pain in the ass for the entire staff involved. They split up the seating in the patio and indoors so that customers could stay six feet apart. They require masks upon entry and when walking around the taproom. You have to get your temperature checked at the door and wait to be seated. You’re not allowed to sit at the bar or even go up there to order your beer which means the staff have to bring you beers to your table. You can pull up their beer menu on your phone by scanning their QMR code.

…Okay, give me a second to talk to the old people reading this right now. A QMR code is a little black and white picture of a square with a bunch of squiggly lines and shit. You take out your smartphone, pull up the camera, point it at the square and the phone will guide you to a website that has the beer menu. If you’re enough of an old that you still have a flip phone I must tell you that you’re shit out of luck and I have no help for you.

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Anyhoozle, the Borderlands crew did a fantastic job of adhering to these safety protocols. They all wore masks and I saw them immediately spraying down every surface of the tables and chairs after customers left. But is that enough for us to be safe in a public area around other diseased humans, no matter how far apart they are? I honestly don’t know. So many people have their own stupid opinions about the pandemic and they’re more than eager to share them on Facebook and they’re all mostly idiots.

The solution to this pandemic is not hard to figure out. Pretty much every other country IN THE FUCKING WORLD got it right. Everything closes down and the government pays everyone to stay home until this gets resolved. That’s exactly why we pay taxes. We’re living through the literal apocalypse and this is the epitome of why a “rainy day fund” is needed. But some dumbasses still want to argue and concern-troll on Facebook about where all that money could possibly come from. (We’re supposed to be the richest country in the world. Shut the fuck up, bitch). So we have to be realistic and admit that ours is the only government that refuses to do what’s right.

And now we have to be realistic about the fact that our bartenders, who are the real heroes here, are forced to go back to work and put themselves at risk of The Rona because they desperately need to make a living. We have to be realistic about the fact that you and I are putting our favorite bartenders at risk by choosing to patronize these restaurants and bars and possibly infecting them with our drunken Rona breath. We have to realize that wearing masks is literally THE LEAST we can do when we’re out in public because we shouldn’t be out in public at all but that the mask is intended to be a simple safeguard during essential activities.

While sitting at Borderlands during their opening day I asked myself if this was even an essential activity. I asked myself if I was possibly risking the lives of the employees of a brewery I’ve loved for years. I wondered if I’d hate myself for not supporting them on their reopening day after all the time I spent telling everyone how awesome Borderlands was. I told myself that my being there, paying for beers, and tipping fat as a way of helping a small business that was struggling during the end of the world was ultimately a good thing.

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Should I be encouraging other people to go to Borderlands (or any other local joint that’s open right now) during a pandemic?

I really don’t know.

What I can say for sure is that I’ve been to a few other restaurants with bar seating in the last couple of weeks and that some of them DO NOT give a fuck. They make a bit of a show with signs on their doors telling people to wear their masks and have indicators for social distancing but they do not enforce that shit at all. And the customers don’t give a fuck either. Lucky for these places I’m no goddamn snitch. But we have to do better.

Anyone who opens for business must follow Borderlands’ lead and adhere to their safety protocols without fail. And you must not give any leeway to these anti-mask dipshits. Treat these people like the public health hazards they are. Don’t worry about losing their business. Shame these fucking assholes into oblivion.

Oh, and also check out what Borderlands did with their beer garden. They laid down a bunch of bricks and built a killer patio for their grand reopening. Fuck yeah!

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The Borderlands taproom is open Wed 4p-8p; Thu-Sat 12p-10p; Sun 12p-8p. Support your local breweries any way you can. They need the help now more than ever.

Hangover Movies Paired With Last Night’s Drunken Events

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

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I’d like to think we’re all familiar with the concept of a “hangover movie.” On the mornings that we’re feeling like absolute ass after a night of heavy drinking, only laying sideways on the couch brings us any semblance of relief. And when we’re there we know that there are certain types of films that bring us a sense of comfort. We might not realize it right away but there are certain criteria for hangover movies that we’ve all come to accept as a society.

Ideally it’s a movie that we’ve seen a bunch times so that we don’t have to exert a lot of mental energy into understanding what’s going on. Plenty of action sequences won’t hurt so if you fall asleep during the talky-talk parts you can be woken up by the pew-pew parts and the ‘splosiony things. Also it should be long as hell so it carries you through the worst of the pain. I can tell you’re already thinking of your favorite hangover movies as you read this.

Back To The Future? The Matrix? The Lord of the Fucking Rings?

The franchises are the best because you can just let them ride for hours and hours. And these days you want to be able to stream an entire series because getting up and grabbing a DVD case from your shelf then walking over to put the disc into your DVD player is going to take way too much effort and also hurt like fuck.

My ideal hangover movie situation is being on vacation at a hotel and turning on the TV to find a LotR marathon on TNT or whatever because they will play all those bitches with commercials which means you’re getting practically an entire day’s worth of a comforting movie blanket while you try super hard not to throw up.

And even hangover movies aren’t exempt when it comes to The Classy Alcoholic’s famous pairing skills. Which is why I bring you a list of the best hangover movies that are expertly paired with the previous night’s drunken festivities. So let’s fucking gooooooo!

 

The Event: Titty Bar Bachelor Party
It’s embarrassing that you were dumb enough to go to a strip club and pay at least $40 for a boner when you could’ve just got one at home for free. But your idiot co-worker Frank wanted to celebrate his bachelor party because he is about to marry a beautiful lady named Marie. And you felt obliged to go because Frank made a couple of complaints to HR about you showing up drunk to his cubicle at 9am and calling him a “lazy spreadsheet ass BITCH” out loud. Which, like, to be fair, Frank is really fucking bad at getting his spreadsheets completed and submitted on time. But at the end of the day he dropped his complaints after you started being nice to him and you wanted to keep that streak going. So you bought many a $20 shot of garbage whiskey at the titty bar, not just for yourself but for Frank and the rest of your stupid co-workers because you wanted to make sure you didn’t have to look for a new job in this economy.

Before you knew it those $12 Coors Light cans added up and the last thing you remember was crying into a stripper’s lap in the Champagne Room over your ex-girlfriend and her telling you that you’re out of cash and you’re not allowed to use the ATM anymore because someone saw you try to hump it a bunch so please get the fuck out.

The Movie: Casino Royale
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This is going to be a difficult discussion for a lot of reasons. The first is that old James Bond movies all suck butts. The only good one is Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig Without A Shirt On. Please be aware that this is NOT a good hangover movie for your first time viewing. I say that from personal experience. It’s a complicated, twisty spy thriller that’ll make your head hurt if you try to figure out what’s going on. When I rewatched it sober it was like an entirely different movie. And it has just the right amount of loud pew-pew, punchy stuff so that you can pass out during the boring poker shit.

Another difficult discussion is how I don’t know if titty bars are good or bad. As dudes we’re clearly garbage for objectifying women the way we do but also women are making money off of our dumbasses for just being horny. Is that feminism? If you’re here looking for the right answer from a dumb alcoholic I can tell you that you’re in the wrong place because I DON’T KNOW.

But what I do know is that there’s a scene in Casino Royale in which Daniel Craig walks out on the beach in tiny swim trunks with his bangin bod and that no matter how secure in our heterosexuality we are, every one of us dudes will get a confused hangover boner when we see this. Don’t even deny it, bitches. DO NOT.

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So at the very least this hangover brings you the comfort of a fun action movie while also bringing you the shame of having drunkenly objectified women just trying to make a living the entire night before while trying to grapple with the reality that you’d love Daniel Craig’s rock hard, greasy-ass abs rubbing up against you just as much. And maybe by the end of this hangover you will have fucking learned something!

 

The Event: Family Gathering
Those of us who are Mexican know all too well that mom will ask you the same damn thing every time you see each other: “Tienes novia, mijo?” Which translates to, “Do you have a girlfriend, mijo?” And you say “No,” which translates to “No,” but she won’t let it go so she asks “Porque no?” which translates to, “Why not, is it because you’re gay?” You tell her that things just haven’t worked out for you but also say that she shouldn’t fucking judge people no matter what their lifestyle is and she just stays quiet, thinking that her son probably turned out gay.

The family has only shit beer, which you drink because there’s nothing else around. But then your sister shows up. She’s got a fat bottle of tequila in one hand and a six pack of genuinely good craft beer in the other because she knows you’re visiting and knows what you like to drink. You instantly feel bad about the time you were kids and you kicked her in the back of the head into the pool and told your parents that she tripped and her dumbass couldn’t argue because she was a toddler and couldn’t say words yet.

The Movie: Home AloneHome Alone

When you were a little kid the scariest thing in the world was the thought of being left alone in a grocery store. But somehow this movie made being left behind by your parents because they were going on vacation across the country or because they got hammered drunk at a dive bar and your dad drove his car through the side of that dive bar and got put into the drunk tank for the night seem fucking DOPE.

I mean, sure, that little blonde white kid could get away with accidentally stealing a toothbrush from the grocery store while your brown ass would’ve gotten immediately shot by the cop who was too lazy to chase you even if you were 9 years old or whatever. But this movie, like most hangover movies, holds an emotional place in your heart even though you know in your head that it’s bad. It’s like how grown-ass men and women will tell you that The Goonies is a good movie even though that thing is absolute unwatchable dogshit. Also, it’s just a fucking toothbrush, let that little bitch go. Fuck da police.

But the first part of Home Alone when Blonde White Kid is over his insufferable family and gets left by himself will keep you engaged enough and you can then take a hearty nap until the parts where the baby tries to violently murder Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.

I haven’t seen the movie in a long while. Were Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci trying to have sex with that kid?

Ew

 

The Event: DA CLUB
You say fuck it and go out to da club after a bad breakup. You try to meet and hook up with hot ladies but you realize right away that they can’t hear you talk to them and don’t give a shit what you have to say anyway plus you can’t dance. This fucking sucks, dude.

The Movie: The Goonies
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Sometimes the movie to watch after a night that fucking sucks is one that also fucking sucks. Goddamn this movie is annoying despite the presence of Josh Brolin. But maybe if you wake up hungover after a night at da club that sucked and you put on this movie that also sucks and suffer through it it’ll remind you that you’re too goddamn old to be going in to da club to try and meet ladies. Bad breakup be damned, stick to what you know!

 

The Event: Your Best Friend’s Wedding
Your co-worker Frank is such a fucking dumbass that he never even realized that his fiancée Marie was an ex-girlfriend of yours. She broke up with you for him after the two of you spent a year together and you were so fucked up over it that you decided to get hammered and go da club to try and meet new girls as a way to get over her and you failed fucking miserably. You drunk texted her and told here that you still loved her and that Frank was such a little bitch that he couldn’t even get the simplest of spreadsheets turned in on time.

But she didn’t care. She decided to marry him and you decided to get drunk and crash the wedding. You knew you could take Frank. For years you’ve been thinking about how well you could fuck him up if the two of you ever fought. But you completely forgot that Marie had an older brother named Teddy who’s a body builder and who knocked you out in one punch to the face and dragged you out to the street because he would not abide you ruining the best day of his sister’s life. You wake up in a ditch and get your hungover ass home.

The Movie: Con Air
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Did you think I was going to suggest that 90’s Julia Roberts movie called My Best Friend’s Wedding in which she tried to break up her friend’s wedding because she was in love with him and he was marrying someone else?

Nah, fuck that. While that is a prime hangover movie you’re going to need something a little more intense after a night like that. Nicolas Cage is the 90’s Hangover Movie King. That motherfucker was in both The Rock and Face/Off. Either of which would serve as the ultimate hangover movies but you must not forget that after a couple of hours of some of the most killer action scenes ever put to film the movie Con Air ends with that Trisha Yearwood “How Do I Live” song that will make any grown ass man cry while sober. And during a miserable hangover with a side of heartbreak you’re going to need a hell of a good cry.

Just like you need to sweat out the booze you also need to sweat out the sad, motherfucker. And there’s nothing like that scene with Nic Cage and Monica Potter making out with the song playing in the background to make you realize that you need to forget Marie and pick your ass back up.

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But not today. Order a pizza and stay on the couch. Pick yourself up tomorrow.

 

 

1912 Brewing Co’s 4th Anniversary – Tucson, AZ

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Food Truck, Microbrewery, Tucson

Saturday, July 6, 2019
12PM – 10PM
2045 N Forbes Blvd #105, Tucson, AZ 85745

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It’s 2019, which means two things: 1912 Brewing Co in Tucson is celebrating its fourth year in business and enough time has passed since the 90s that a bunch of annoying stuff from back then has come all the way around to being cool again. Just like I can drop a perfectly timed, “MY WIIIFE” and be considered the funniest guy in the clique you can feel free to roll out those old Austin Powers references, which is really tight.

Don’t think the 90s are back? Well Daddy Yankee’s current hit is a remake of Snow’s “Informer” song and I just spent the weekend getting kicked out of an Aladdin movie AND a Toy Story movie for being too drunk. So yeah, I think the 90s are back like motherfucking Backstreet was Back. And in that spirit 1912’s anniversary party this year will be Austin Powers-themed. You’re all encouraged to show up in costume dressed up in 60s/70s attire or as any of your favorite characters from the movies…you know the ones. The ones from the film. Okay, sorry, I’ve never seen the damn movie. But I did get to sample the five new beers (and two super-secret new products) that are being released on the 6th and I have an exclusive preview for y’all. Oh behave, baby! Is that a thing he says?

 

Zippylongstocking hef

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Only 90s kids will remember German-inspired wheat beers like this. Long before everything was a hazy IPA people used to drink beers with notes of banana and clove. Oh you thought this style was dead? As if! This delicious retro beer has a wild yeast blend that also gives it subtle notes of citrus and vanilla that complement the traditional hef flavors super well. I haven’t had a hef this good since I would talk to the hand! Because I used to get so goddamn high I would talk to my own hand for hours on end. The 90s were a dark time for me before I got clean, I’m not gonna lie.

GROOVY BABY!

 

Fookmi sour gose

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The name of this beautifully colored sour gose was inspired by one of the twins that appears in the movie “Goldmember.” It turned out so boldly purple mostly from being made with elderberries that got scrambled up like the pornography I tried to watch on TV as a kid. The flavor is enhanced by limes and the juice wheezed thereof. There’s a hint of blueberry and it even finishes off with some cinnamon that works very well with all the other flavors, to my pleasant surprise. This is 1912’s first beer using elderberry and it tastes so good it makes me wanna party like it’s 1999 because that was before I realized my parents’ divorce was my fault!

SHAGADELIC!

 

Fookyu sour gose

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The second half of the beers named after the film’s twins is another gose fruited with Asian pear juice and dry-hopped with ginger that was soaked in bourbon. Boy, did I know a lady in the 90s named Ginger who was always soaked in bourbon herself! It was Ginger Martinez, my elementary school math teacher and it was a very sad situation. She…had a real problem. Anyhoozle, the Fookyu gose doesn’t taste boozy at all so don’t get scared off if you’re not into that. The ginger is the more prominent flavor and the bourbon only leaves a slight oaky taste. This is a perfect beer for those who want a fruited gose that tastes great but isn’t super sweet as opposed to those of us who like our beers to taste like both sex and candy.

FIRE THE “LASER”!

 

Got My Mojito Working Again sour gose 

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I know what 1912 Brewing did last summer. At last year’s anniversary party they released an incredible mojito gose that absolutely stole the show. Bringing it back was a no-brainer but this year it was morphin’ time! Because now it’s made with slightly different versions of the ingredients. This batch was made with key limes instead of Mexican limes and an Italian mint that gives this a slightly grassier, earthier taste than whatever was used last year. It’s amazing how the same beer with only mild tweaks can surprise you with the subtle differences in its flavor. It reminds me of what my mom used to say after the divorce: “Life is like a box of chocolates. It’ll give you diabetes.”

PENIS PUMP!

 

Sorry, That Never Happens I Swear sour gose

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Alrighty then! The last of the new releases I’m allowed to tell you about is essentially a piña colada beer. It tastes of pineapple, orange, lemon and lime. It’s a beer I would drink while laying out on the beach in Puerto Peñasco. PSYCH! I’m not allowed back into Puerto Peñasco after I stole that one old man’s taco cart and also got caught trying to sell drugs to what ended up being a very realistic looking mannequin that I’m pretty sure was haunted. The Federales asked if I was innocent and I said I totally was. NOT!!! But yeah, this beer is really good. I sampled it before it had the added carrot juice that will eventually give it a strong orange color but won’t alter the flavor. Because sometimes presentation can be just as important as anything else. Whoever made that fucking narc-ass mannequin definitely knew that.

R.I.P. MINI-ME!

 

BONUS BEER – All Set In The West sour

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This beer is not a special anniversary release but I still wanted to highlight it here because it’s awesome and it’s available at 1912 right now. It’s a collab with Sam Adams. Yes, THAT Sam Adams. No, not THAT Sam Adams, that guy died in 1803. I’m talking about Sam Adams the brewery, not the founding father, duh. This beer was actually brewed in Boston using Sam Adams lager yeast and the same culture used for the Naughty Naranja sour, giving it hints of orange and grapefruit. Then, in a move that probably pissed off all those racist, northeastern, chowder-eating fucks to no end, the team added agave nectar and blended in cranberries and tamarindo. Can you imagine how offended those assholes must’ve been having to use something called “tamarindo”? How did they even pronounce it? This beer is great and gave me tons of good vibrations when I drank it but don’t give any to Marky Mark. It’ll make him so angry he might try to attack another Vietnamese man like he did when he was a teenager. Mark Wahlberg committed multiple hate crimes, let us never forget that.

Apart from the five new beers I listed above Allan wanted to make sure I let y’all know there would be two other special releases available at the party. They’re both a surprise and I’ve been sworn to secrecy so the only thing I can say is that I’ve sampled whatever these things are and that you’ll definitely wanna show up to try them.

1912 Brewing Co will be open for a few hours on Thursday, the 4th. It’ll be about 3p-5p so you can grab some beers before the fireworks and family time. But the official anniversary party will be Saturday the 6th. There will be a second bar in the back of the production area serving beer “mocktails” as well as a live band and Daniela’s Cooking food truck serving the amazing food they’re already well known for. There won’t be any flights served all day so you’ll have to commit to full pours but that won’t be an issue when the beers are this good.

Oh and if you don’t wanna be known as a total fart-knocker then be sure to tip your bartenders…or should I say, SHOW THEM THE MONEY!

Classy’s Drunken Film Reviews – The Curse of La Llorona

The Classy Alcoholic Beer, Movies

The Curse Of La Llorona Is In Theaters Now But Don’t Go See It

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La Llorona translates to “The Crying Woman” and the name refers to a person in an old folk tale who’s most commonly associated with Mexican history. Though the name is also ingrained in legends from some Central American countries I won’t be giving you any legit history lessons in this blog because we’re just talking about a dumbass horror movie called The Curse of La Llorona. It’s directed by a guy with the last name Chaves but nothing I saw online indicates he’s of brown descent so he was probably hired because that last name sounded “close enough.” Yes, the movie is produced by James Wan who was born in Malaysia, is of Chinese descent, and was raised in Australia which makes me pretty happy because his mere existence probably pissed off a lot of racist Aussie classmates.

But even that’s not enough for him to be producing this movie, as far as I’m concerned. Because the lead actress is Linda Cardellini who, despite being very talented, was hired due to the fact that Italians aren’t exactly fully white people so they figured she’d be “tan enough.”

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New Cocktail Menu at Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery – Tucson

The Classy Alcoholic Cocktails, Liquor, Tucson

Located at 266 Congress St, Tucson, AZ 85701
Open daily 11a-midnight
https://hubdowntown.com/

Hub Restaurant & Ice Creamery is located in downtown Tucson. It’s a nice, fairly upscale joint that probably replaced some stabby dive bar where you could easily get shitty coke in the bathroom from a guy with a neck tattoo and a denim vest because that’s pretty much all downtown Tucson used to be back in the day. But nowadays the whole area has been classed up and is practically unrecognizable to anyone who may have been the victim of knife crime there a mere ten years ago.

Within the last week or so Hub completely revamped their cocktail menu with nine drinks that each put a fun spin on classic styles. They’re complex but fairly quick to make so you won’t be waiting fifteen minutes for each thing and they’re familiar enough to be accessible but different enough to make you seem extra cool and knowledgeable when ordering. I was invited to an exclusive preview tasting alongside a bunch of suckers who write for legitimate publications with strictly enforced word limits. But this is the internet, baby. And The Classy Alcoholic isn’t limited by shit other than his liver function which somehow hasn’t given up yet! So let’s run through the new Hub cocktail menu and then drunkenly walk home slurping a pint of artisanal ice cream that is dripping down your chin and shirt ‘cause it’s rapidly melting in the desert heat.

THE WORKHORSE

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Do you know what an Old Fashioned is? Well you should because it’s a very simple cocktail that tastes great and became very popular with a bunch of poser assholes after they watched Mad Men and thought it would be fun to give suits, classic cocktails and alcoholism a try even though that’s been MY whole thing for well over a decade. It’s also the inspiration for this first drink. An Old Fashioned can be made with bourbon if you’re a normal person or with brandy if you’re a serial killer pretending you’re able to feel. The Workhorse is made with vanilla bean-infused rye whiskey and salted cacao bitters which makes it much sweeter than a regular degular Old Fashioned. The vanilla cuts down a lot on the strong, boozy burn from the whiskey if that’s usually too much for you.

 

EAST ENDER

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Do you know what a Negroni is? Well I don’t because it’s made with gin and I once drank so much of it one night in my early 20’s that I ended up puking and now every sip of gin tastes like the shame of my adulthood failures mixed with every sad childhood Christmas my dad didn’t show up to. But the East Ender is actually great because it tastes like a Negroni without the gin. It’s actually made with white whiskey, which is unaged so it has the strong, bitter corn flavor as opposed to the sweeter, smoother tinge of an aged whiskey. That taste will be familiar to any of us who spent our college years broke and drinking white-ass white tequila or clear but somehow still cloudy plastic bottle vodka. This drink offsets some of that with a bitter pomegranate liqueur but this is still a punch in the face. It’s a very strong cocktail that is meant to be sipped and not slammed.

 

PIECES OF EIGHT

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If the last two drinks are too strong and you need something that resembles diabetes in a glass then you’re in luck because Hub has a tiki-inspired drink made with black barrel rum, ruby port, cinnamon syrup and Swedish punsch, which is actually a liqueur that I spelled correctly and it’s not just me drunkenly slurring the word “punch.” This is sneakily strong so you definitely won’t need more than a couple. It tastes like spiked fruit juice which reminded me so much of prom because that’s what I was drinking all night when I crashed the high school gymnasium and totally ruined a bunch of high school kids’ time last year. In my defense, I didn’t know there was a prom happening, I thought I was just sneaking into an empty gym to do drugs.

 

BASIL BUCK

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This one is very simple. It’s got basil-infused vodka which basically makes this a vegetable drink which means I drank a whole salad’s worth of booze. It’s also made with ginger syrup, lime and soda which means it’s Hub’s version of a Moscow mule. It has a strong lime flavor and it tastes leafy but in that nice refreshing way; not in the, I just woke up on the front lawn with a face full of grass and dirt and there are a bunch of empty beer cans all around me and also I’m not wearing pants kind of way.

 

SUNSPOT

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Oh boy, was I scared of this one. I was dreading it once I saw it was made with gin, my old nemesis. Gin is the my ex-girlfriend of booze ‘cause I know I should stay away but whenever I see it on the menu I think this time things will be different but I keep being wrong because I get burned every time and also gin tells me it loves me but it always ends up banging my Cousin Chico. But believe it or not, this time it actually was different! With the drink, not with the ex. This was a surprisingly sweet cocktail made with an apricot liqueur that mixed very well with the gin. The sweetness really blended well with the juniper bite and gave it an almost entirely new flavor that didn’t remind me of my heavy gin guzzling days. The Sunspot actually helped me overcome my fear of gin cocktails which I didn’t think would ever happen.

 

SANDIA FRIA

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This is Spanish for “cold watermelon” and it’s basically a fancy ass margarita. Yes, it’s made with tequila but it also has watermelon syrup and hibiscus salt on the rim. Just look at this damn thing. Probably the best, most accessible drink on the menu that achieves that balance between the base spirit and the sweet syrup better than anything else I tried this day. The salt not only adds a lot to the cocktail but it looks damn good for all you assholes who love throwing this kind of stuff up on the ‘gram.

 

STUCK IN MY CABANA

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I spent plenty of time stuck in a cabana on a remote island being interrogated by Pitbull’s security team after they found me stowing away on his yacht. I only wish I had this delicious, icy drink with me. It’s made with raspberry brandy, coconut syrup and tepache. That last word refers to a Mexican fermented pineapple drink that is usually sold by street vendors or at taco shops but is now bottled into a liqueur by a big company because white people just can’t stop colonizing.

 

RODEO QUEEN

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This was inspired by a champagne cocktail called the French 76. It’s made with vodka, sparkling wine and blueberry syrup. It’s light on the alcohol content, fruity, refreshing and you could easily have a few of these with brunch or during a hungover breakfast. Because, like the mimosa, this drink makes early morning alcohol consumption seem acceptable and fun. Also the lack of actual champagne will probably piss off a Frenchman, which I’m totally okay with.

 

SANTA CRUZ FLOAT

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And finally we’re at the dessertiest thing on the menu. This is pretty much a boozy root beer float made with clear Del Bac whiskey, milk stout syrup and salted caramel ice cream. If you think it would be super sweet then you’re right, it is. But it also has this amazing smoky flavor thanks to the whiskey. It’s served in a tall mug that’s meant to be shared just like the good ole days when your grandpa would take his best girl down to the diner, buy her a float and smoke cigarettes indoors legally while sharing his disdain for people who were a different race than him. Boy am I glad my racist grandpa’s dead. He was…just the worst. Anyhoozle, this Santa Cruz float is awesome. Share one with a friend. Preferably a friend of a different race!

Salud!

Brewery Talks Podcast

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

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For some reason people think it’s a good idea to put a microphone in front of my stupid fat drunk face so I can be a guest on their podcasts. Unfortunately for them, I’m an egomaniac who will spew drunken bullshit into any recording device nearby, Richard Nixon style, except not racist. So when a guy named Nash Carlson contacted me to tell me that he and his lady were exploring breweries across the country in their RV (white peoples’ lives is #goals) and that he needed an expert in the Tucson craft beer scene to go on his show I, of course, obliged.

So please check out my episode of the Brewery Talks Podcast on iTunes, Spotify and whatever Android people use for podcasts. Nash’s blog is called Sunnyside Up Traveling and you can check that out here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com 

The pod ep I’m on is here: https://www.sunnysideuptraveling.com/brewerytalkspodcast/2019/2/2/the-inside-scoop-of-the-tucson-beer-scene

If you want you can also follow Sunnyside Up Traveling on Instagram and Facebook.

And finally, if you’re a first time visitor to my blog because you heard me on the podcast you can feel free to roam around the dumb beer stories I’ve written for the past 4 years. But I’ll also give you a few articles to start off with so you can see exactly what the hell I’m all about.

One of my most popular articles was called:
The Classy Alcoholic’s Guide To Pairing Arizona Beer With The Grossest, Loneliest Fast Food

The sequel to that article was:
The Naked Chicken Chalupa Paired With AZ Beers

If you’re visiting Tucson (which you should!) here is a guide to…
Cheap Bar Eats In Tucson

Thanks for stopping by. I’m currently working on some long-form writing projects which is why it’s been a bit quiet on this space. But there’s plenty more to come!

Salud!

Cheap Bar Eats in Tucson

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

I hate food. Food is a waste of perfectly good money that could be spent on more drinks. But somehow our stupid bodies need it so we don’t die, which is stupid. Luckily I’ve found a few dive bars in Tucson that serve really good meals for super cheap so you can soak up enough booze to stay alive and then drink more afterward. These are the best deals for your money that I’ve found so far.

Just a disclaimer, the pictures I took of my food all look terrible because they were taken in places where the lighting really sucks. Also there’s no guarantee that you won’t get stabbed at one of these joints and I’m not responsible for any deaths that might occur from your drunk ass walking in there. Okay, cool, let’s do this!

Wooden Nickel Tavern

Located at 1908 S Country Club Rd, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open 7 days a week, 11a-2a
http://woodennickeltucson.com

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The Wooden Nickel’s menu has a ton of good burgers, subs and sandwiches as well as typical bar appetizers like nachos, onion rings and potato skins. But their best food deal happens on Wing Wednesday. They used to sell wings for only 50 cents apiece but due to inflation or whatever they’ve had to raise the price to 75 each. Don’t hold it against them, though. The wings are really meaty and there are several flavors that you can mix and match in your order. Normally when you go to a place with cheap wing specials they only give you the tiniest pieces of the shitty baby chickens that were too stupid to keep from slipping into their bigass water pail and weren’t strong enough to crawl back out.

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Button Brewhouse’s 1st Anniversary Celebration

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

Saturday, September 15th from 12p-10p
Located at 6800 N Camino Martin, Suite 160, Tucson, AZ 85741
Hours: Mon-Thurs 3p-8p; Fri 2p-10p; Sat 12p-10p; Sun 11a-6p

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So first things first, I’ll disclose that I absolutely love Button Brewhouse. With all of my heart. And I’m very happy that they’re about to celebrate their first anniversary.

Looking back on the past twelve months it seems like they’re a success story that should’ve never happened. That statement has nothing to do with the quality of their beers or their customer service. They’ve proven themselves to be top notch in both those areas. But they’ve fought against so many obstacles that could’ve absolutely ruined their shit.

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Rain Crow IPA Collaboration

The Classy Alcoholic Uncategorized

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to Borderlands Brewing Co. in Tucson to report on a new beer collaboration for a good cause. Borderlands opened up their facility to their neighbors from Crooked Tooth Brewing and to Wren House Brewing from Phoenix for a project that was intended to benefit Audubon Arizona.

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For those of you who don’t know, Audubon Arizona is dedicated to conservation and to connecting people with nature. They teamed up with these three breweries to co-brand a beer called Rain Crow IPA in order to bring awareness of the plight of…some fucking bird, I think.

Okay, sorry, I’ll be honest, I’m not an outdoorsy person at all and I know nothing about nature. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the cause and I’m all about conservation. My parents taught me not to ever waste anything. Whether it’s water in the desert we call home or the hundreds of little baggies of cocaine that my dad made me help him cut with baking soda, the point is that we have to do everything we can to make our resources last for as long as possible.

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