Part 2 of my epic, 5-part story is here. The Classy Alcoholic continues his dangerous spy mission and gets in deeper than he expected at Pillsbury Wine Company.
Read chapter 2 by clicking on the Short Stories tab in the menu above or by clicking the “Continue Reading” link below.
The Classy Alcoholic is officially back and better than ever! After taking a break to work out some shit I’ve decided to fully embrace my desire to write ridiculous short stories full of adventure and intrigue. And so I bring you a 5-part story called, “A Cottonwood Kill.” Join The Classy Alcoholic as he goes on a dangerous, undercover mission for the FBI in Cottonwood, AZ while exploring the town’s wine tasting rooms along the way.
You can read Part 1 by clicking on the brand new “Short Stories” tab at the top of the page or by clicking the “Continue Reading” link below.
A new chapter will be posted every Sunday night for the next four weeks. Be sure to follow along for a thrilling tale of danger, mystery, sexy spy action and, of course, lots and lots of dick jokes.
Located at 3850 E 44th St, Tucson, AZ 85713
Open Mon-Thurs 11a-11p; Fri-Sat 11a-1a; Sun 11a-9p
http://www.nimbusbeer.com
Your favorite The Classy Alcoholic is going through a tough time, y’all. February of 2016 is the month I turn 30 years old. The panic of growing older is starting to set in and I feel like I’m not ready to leave my 20s behind. The sight of a few gray hairs is my only consolation because the one thing that would make my amazing hair even better is a Clooney-esque, salt-and-pepper look to it. But so far my gorgeous mane stays dark, thick and smooth…while my youth rapidly slips away through my fingers.
I decided that if I wanted to recapture my youth I would have to literally travel back in time. So I found a junkyard in Tucson where I could buy an old flux capacitor and installed it in my car. I retrofitted the thing so it could be powered by Arizona-brewed craft beer because my flux capacitor was sure as hell gonna #chooseAZbrews, dammit! I hit the road and drove as fast as I could until a portal of light appeared, engulfing my ‘89 Honda Accord with the bumper that was a different color from the rest of the car and also held on only by a chain. When the portal of light disappeared I looked around me and I realized I had successfully arrived in the year 2006.
I still had to write a microbrewery review for today though and unfortunately there weren’t many breweries in Tucson ten years ago. But then I recalled that Nimbus Brewing Company had been around since 1996 and would be celebrating its tenth anniversary this year. So I headed to the east side of Tucson wading through industrial parks in search of the warehouse where Nimbus had its brewery and restaurant. In order to fit in I put on a necktie that was only slightly different in color from my dress shirt. It was the kind of monochromatic outfit I remembered people in suits wearing all the time a decade ago, back when Regis Philbin was the classiest motherfucker on TV because Mad Men wouldn’t introduce Jon Hamm to the world until a year later.
Located at 120 W Gurley St, Prescott, AZ 86301
Open Mon-Thurs 11a-8p; Fri-Sat 11a-10p; Sun 11a-5p
http://www.superstitionmeadery.com
I hate to admit that after nearly a year of writing about Arizona microbreweries and vineyards I hadn’t heard of Superstition Meadery until recently. For those of you who aren’t aware, mead is the world’s oldest fermented alcoholic beverage made from honey. It’s usually described as “honey wine” though in some places in the world there are slight variations on the term and they’re not always considered synonymous. But for our purposes we’ll go ahead and not worry about those distinctions.
2909 E Country Club Dr, Willcox, AZ 85643
Open Sun 10a-4p; Mon-Sat 9:30a-5:30p
http://www.coronadovineyards.com
Willcox is an interesting town. In the early 20th century it was known for cattle production and to this day you can find references to it being the “Cattle Capital of the World.” I’m not sure how much cattle is still a part of its economy today but I do know that the town and its surrounding area is home to most of Arizona’s vineyards. Wineries all over the state grow their grapes in Willcox, even a couple that are all the way up in the town of Cottonwood which is over four hours away.
Located at 1641 S Stapley Dr, Mesa, AZ 85024
Open Sun-Wed 11a-10p; Thu-Sat 11a-12a
http://www.thebeerresearchinstitute.com
The Beer Research Institute in Mesa is located on the grounds of the Mesa Grand Shopping Mall right next to the AMC movie theater, which is an awesome location for a microbrewery because I honestly haven’t been to a movie theater sober since I was a teenager and don’t understand how anyone else could do it either. Most movies are shit and the best way to make them at all interesting or hilarious is to be appropriately hammered. Like the time I drunkenly puked into my neighbor’s popcorn bucket while watching Paul Blart or The Avengers or Schindler’s List or whatever that movie was.
Located at 232 S Wall St, Chandler, AZ 85225
Open Mon-Fri 11a-1a; Sat-Sun 9a-1a
http://perchpubbrewery.com
Last time I was in the town of Chandler (which sits about half an hour southeast of downtown Phoenix) I paid a visit to SanTan Brewing Company without realizing that The Perch Pub & Brewery was just a couple of blocks away. I’m glad I made it back to Chandler because The Perch is a really cool place that’s worth a visit.
Located at 825 N 7th St, Phoenix, AZ 85006
Open Mon-Thurs 11a-10p; Fri 11a-12a; Sat 10a-12a; Sun 10a-10p
motherbunchbrew.com
Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of my last review which was in the form of an epic, Oscar-worthy screenplay, I can proudly inform y’all that The Classy Alcoholic scored a meeting with a high-powered Hollywood executive who called me up and told me that he was interested in adapting my blog into a feature film. He said he would come to Phoenix because that was the only town in Arizona he had ever heard of and suggested we meet at Mother Bunch Brewing which is located off of North 7th St just south of the I-10.
I was impressed that this guy from California knew about any Arizona microbreweries but I figured my blog must be getting enough traction outside of the state to bring real awareness of our craft beer scene. I told him I’d meet him right where he wanted.
Located at 370 Elgin Rd, Elgin, AZ 85611
Open 7 days per week 11a-5p
http://kiefjoshuavineyards.com
FADE IN:
EXT. ELGIN, AZ – DAY
Today we’re heading back to WINE COUNTRY. We’re revisiting the southern Arizona town of ELGIN on our way to KIEF-JOSHUA VINEYARDS for another wine adventure. The sun shines brightly on this day but there’s enough of a summer breeze that it doesn’t feel miserably FUCKING HOT.
CLOSE ON an 89 GRAY HONDA ACCORD with BULLET HOLE STICKERS on the side and a WHITE BUMPER that is held on only by a CHAIN. The previous owners of the car clearly had a lot of SEX in it.
Located at 3270 N Arizona Highway 87, Mile Marker 267, Pine, AZ 85544
Open Sun-Thurs 11a-8p; Fri-Sat 11a-9p
http://thatbrewery.com/
The Classy Alcoholic has been through many adventures since the start of this blog and has already traveled through most of Arizona’s major cities. But there is another area that lies just between two of the more prominent regions. This area is called the Mogollon Rim and it’s pretty much equidistant between Phoenix and Flagstaff. This region starts in Yavapi County around I-17 on the west and extends about 200 miles to the east to nearly reach the New Mexico border. If you’re driving around this area you’ll start to discover a lot of long, rural roads with green landscapes that don’t feel like most people’s typical idea of Arizona.
the classy alcoholic 